Is anyone home?

As I opened the door of the house and stepped inside, I found it to be surprisingly empty. Pin drop silence and no light. My heart skipped a beat as a set of thoughts started rushing through my mind. I called out, “is anyone home?” No reply. I got a bit nervous and called out again, “mumma!” No reply; again. So I decided not to take off the shoes and just rushed in to check throughout the house. From a distance, I could see my father sitting in the balcony with his headphones on, listening to music. He hadn’t heard me coming in. As I walked ahead, I saw my sister’s bag lying on the small table near the door and she was quietly reading a book in another corner of the house. She didn’t hear me either as she was too engrossed in reading the book (something she calls as her best friend). By now I was confirmed of things being fine and went back to the door to take off my shoes, after which I headed for the kitchen where I was expecting my mom to be. She was cooking something that had a hunger quenching fragrance which brought an instant smile on my face. I sniffed like a dog and rushed towards her with all smiles and said, “mumma…what are you making? I’m suddenly dying of hunger…it’s smelling so damn good”. She just didn’t react to all that I said and didn’t even look at me. Didn’t she hear me? Is she lost in some thoughts? Is she angry with me? Did I do anything wrong? A thousand questions rushed past my mind and my heart sank. I repeated calling her out and she just didn’t react…as if I simply didn’t exist at all. I just turned back and saw one of my most beautiful pictures, put up on the wall…I suddenly felt awesome…and turned to mom and asked, “hey is this the surprise? Is this why you were pretending as if not talking to me?” But even this time she didn’t react. Something suddenly caught my sight and my heart stopped beating completely. I put my hand on my chest to check for my heartbeat, but it was missing. I ran outside to my sister and called her out. She didn’t hear. I then hit her and she didn’t notice that either. Ideally she would have asked me to get lost when I disturb her while she’s reading a book. I started running towards dad and stopped mid-way. I couldn’t even have the strength and courage to even walk a step further, let alone running. This time I took some really heavy and slow steps towards that picture on the wall and re-checked what I had seen. A small incense stick burning slowly with its fume rising above through my picture on the wall. Apparently, I actually didn’t exist. I dropped down on my knees and cried the loudest in my life…I wanted to hug my mom so badly and tell her that I love her most on this planet. I wanted to tease my sister and run away so that she runs behind me to hit me back. I wanted to hear my father shout at us saying, “are you both still toddlers to make so much noise?” But; I did not exist anymore and that explained the silence that my ever noisy house was drowned in.

I woke up with a jolt, so strong that as I opened my eyes I found myself almost ready to stand up. I ran to the tiny temple in my in my house to say, “Thank God, I’m alive”. Mom was up already and making tea in the kitchen. As I went closer, she hugged me and greeted good morning. I hugged her, as if I would never leave and cried. I told her what I dreamt and she laughed it off saying you are mad, nothing has happened to you and nothing would. I felt so good to have this assurance from mom, as if life ever came with any certainty. But, what the dream taught me was far more precious than life itself. May be in the wake of being busy and struggling to achieve whatever came to my mind, I was compromising on things that were closest to my heart. I wanted to tease my sister and annoy her, irritate mom and then console her saying that she is the best, annoy dad just to make him laugh later and so on.

Life is too short, I had read. But honestly, I never realised how short could it be until I opened my eyes after that dreadful dream. There will never be time enough to spend with our loved ones. Also, we don’t really know how much time we actually have to fit in our wishes, aspirations, creative pursuits, etc. Then why just get stuck in a daily grind of eat-sleep-work. What if I plan my trek to the Mount Everest and die the night prior to taking a flight to Nepal? What if I call my mom saying I’m busy and will be late, and meet with an accident on the way to not reach at all? What if I write a book dreaming about standing on the dais to talk about and die just before the formal publishing press meet. Strange, isn’t it? I don’t wanna ask that dreaded question (is anyone home?) in my life and for that to happen I live to the fullest, love to the fullest and do all that makes me feel happy and alive. So that, one day when I actually have an incense stick in front of my picture, I can gracefully walk up to it and smile. I want to be satisfied when I cease to exist in the material form on Earth.

This Love Hate Relationship

In continuation of “City of Blinding Lights”

The first time I wrote about Mumbai (long ago), was when I had just started working, gotten in to the groove of a work-life balance (not really was I able to balance, though). Life, in those days, was a lot different than what it is today. Lesser means, lesser facilities, very very less pay, unbranded clothes and locally bought sandles, yet so much happiness, ample ‘me time’, some kinda undisturbed mental peace (which at that time I was under impression that ‘its missing’ hahaha). Today I have all those things that I used to dream about back then and had imagined about how happy all that would make me feel. But the peace has somehow disappeared. I wish I had known how beautiful life was then and how tough it gets with each step you take towards achieving your aspirations.

Of all the things existing in this city, what I loved more…rather most; was the weird kinda change of behavior and the crazy 24x7 rush that people experience here. Now, you may call me funny or foolish, but yes flamboyant things have never attracted me much. What really pulls me closer is the need to understand something that I don’t really understand. My cravings for that extra bit of ‘life lessons’ (which I strongly believe can be learnt only in practical sense, no book or human can preach or teach), have, by now, gotten me into deep shit several times. But, that’s how I am and that’s exactly why I’ve always loved this city so unconditionally – it offers all. So at this juncture in life, if I can call myself an achiever of an award or a certified mountaineer (something I’m more proud about than my profession) or being a reasonable photographer or a fairly good cook or someone who writes more than she reads, is all somehow, somewhere and to some extent thanks to this vast gamut of things offered by this city (someone reading this right now certainly would be laughing at me and saying ‘this girl is just so biased for a city like this’. But, it’s more of sarcasm than anything else).

In several places that I’ve travelled, I’ve witnessed such peace in the mind of the locals despite all odds that the location may have to face, so much empathy, such affection towards one another and such a simple-no frills kinda life. May be that’s the reason why these folks when they come over to a city like Mumbai, feel suffocated, cluttered, restless, tensed, and all such emotions that one can think of. The glam and galore doesn’t impress anyone beyond a few days – it just fades off as life’s realities kick in. For me, though, I feel this has been one of the most instrumental aspects of the place I live in, as it has prepared me for the worst, so I can now have the best of what the rest of the world may offer (restricting me to the better places on Earth and not the heartless cruel lands that may exist).

Such amazing relationships are built here. A friend who would give you a warm hug in front of others and say ‘don’t worry I’m there with you in your odds’, would after few hours be found bitching about you to some other ‘so called’ friend of yours. A close relative who may claim to love you unconditionally and console you when you cry gallons after an accident, would be soon telling others that you are a maniac and would have killed people around, portraying you as one of the most insane beings they came across on this planet. Someone who you look forward to spend life with may emerge as one who treated you nothing more than an instrument. Parents don’t know what their kid may be going through. Kids are unaware of their parents’ plans and intentions; they all hardly talk once a week or so. Siblings get to talk only over the phone or on chat because they are all busy in their respective lives. Friends…well there is a different set of them for each purpose – morning walk friends for constant inspiration to walk, office friends for gossiping, friends at the club for a game you play, trekking friends who will meet only on a trek and not even know if you are dead or alive otherwise, and so on. Such is life in the middle of this glamorous piece of land. There is emptiness all around. I call it the “crowded emptiness”.

How do I say whether I love or hate this City? What I love is the beautiful sunrise at the Bandra fort, the nicely cooked chai at a local tea stall, egg-roast and appam with filter coffee at a small joint called Sneha, the nice evening walk at the beach, and so on. As I grew up, there were several times when I just wanted to escape from the noise all around, so would go the Kali Mata temple in Shivaji Park with either a book or my ipod (no phones at all!) and just sit there for hours reading or listening to music. At times, I would go to the nearby crossword store and pick up a kids book to read, though a bit funny, but it’s one of the best stress busters to read kiddy stuff. I also loved singing nursery rhymes until I discovered the hidden agendas and meanings behind several of my favourite rhymes. I’m a story teller at heart and so love hearing them too. Place a kid in front of me and I can tell stories until that kid get tired of hearing them, I’ve read a lot of these…too many, I should say. I love driving around the city. Yes driving; despite the super crazy traffic situation. A nice drive at the Bandra-Worli sea-link after office is pure bliss and so is the early morning drive to the Colaba and Nariman Point.

In the nut-shell, what I like doing is, spending time absolutely alone, because I know for sure, that I will stand by me in all even and odds. It is this Love Hate Relationship that I dwell with. But I need peace now. I want to live and not just survive and sail through.

Asamanjas mein hun main ke kya hun !

Asamanjas mein hun main ke kya hun !

Kahin kisike haath ka khilauna ?
Ya thaame haath kisika saath hun.

Kahin gum ho gayi ek aawaz ?
Ya haath pakad kar dikhati raah hun.

Asamanjas mein hun main ke kya hun...

Jo chahe keh de koi, Jo soche kar de.
Na saath chale koi...Na tanha bhi chhode koi.

Kahin woh kitaab toh nahi jise padh kar fek de koi,
Ya woh granth hun jo khud baithkar likhe koi ?

Asamanjas mein hun main ke kya hun...

Ek bheege se darakht par lipti foolon ki lata hu,
Ya khud se hi sahara dhundta ek tez hawa mein uda hua chinar ka patta.

Asamanjas mein hun main ke kya hun...

Kahin woh oss ki boond toh nahi, jo raat ke andhakaar mein nami de aur subah hote hi hawa ho jaye...

Ya hun woh tez baarish jo aasmaan se zameen par gir jaye aur antar tak bhiga de kisiko...

Imbibed - a short yet long story

“Imbibe is like the rain that falls on you and drenches you...more within your soul than the body. It not just cools down the heat that the atmosphere generated...but conversely gives you warmth that wraps you round”, I told him as I imagined us getting drenched in the rains and his warm hug wrapping me up in its perpetual warmth. Teasing me, he was; and I said I’ll be imbibed in you so you can’t tease me. He laughed endlessly.

It had been about four days since we bumped into each other accidentally, over mutual admiration of our work in photography; and there we were...discussing life, work, profession, hobbies, habits - the good and the bad. We had struck an instant connection out of nowhere and that had already started to feel like taking us into a larger trouble. The four days had gone by as if it were four years and we already knew as much about each other. Somehow, there was nothing romantic between us, no frills at all. But we spoke of every detail under the sun and realised how clone-like we were. We had been bitten by some bug, we didn't know existed.

It was a tale of two cities, not too far by distance or cultural difference, but far apart for the urge to meet, sit face-to-face and talk. Talk until the dates on the calendar change...we actually can talk to each other that much. "We are heading for trouble", I said and he laughed out loud again. A man known for smiling rarely was suddenly having bouts of a wholesome laughter that surprised everyone else around him. And a woman, an advocate of bachelorhood was suddenly appreciative of companionship..."you never know".

As the saying goes, "When you desire something from the bottom of your heart and soul; the whole universe conspires to get you that". A bit filmy but that's how it was and he happened to come over to my city for a meeting, we decide to catch up in the evening and we did. We had fallen for each other, not surely aware of it though. In what could be called the fastest proposal...he replied "We are into TROUBLE". We knew what it meant and we met the next day to talk further about random things in and around our individual lives...just to meet up again late evening. The fifth day of us meeting had changed the way we looked at the world, entirely.

Me - the nomad

I’m a nomad;
don’t mistake me for being civilized,
For this whole concept of civilization has gone haywire causing immense loss of humanity, faith and love.

I’m a nomad;
don’t expect to see me around the same place,
For this world is vast and worth exploring beyond the limits of your earthly beliefs.

I’m a nomad;
don’t think I will be enveloped in the vicious circles of greed, envy and lust,
For when I love I allow no hindrances and when I hate I see no reasons to hold back.

I’m a nomad;
but with a small tribe of like-minded humans who haven’t gotten lost in this world, who haven’t forgotten how to live and those who really value one another.

Me - A Life Within You!

Who am I?
If not the spark in those innocent eyes, that know nothing but love.

Who am I?
If not the sense of a free mind, that wishes to fly high each dawn.

Who am I?
If not the sound of the river that flows perennially, raging through the heart...deep down the soul.

Who am I?
If not the warmth in the hug, which envelopes one in times of cold.

Who am I?
If not a hand that holds, when you draw the courage to take a new step.

Who am I?
If not you, in your heart and soul.
Your inner voice, your matter that fills the void.
Your warmth in the frost and breeze in the heat.
The other half of you...the me within you and the you within me.

Who am I?
If not Vrinda, a life within YOU.

The Hypnotist

There are for sure, several non-conventional ways, in which one would hold control of and influence one's mind and heart. But the most charismatic of all kinds couldn't be any other than that in which the Hypnotist was left unaware of his act. A magician – unaware of the way he fascinates one’s imagination and puts them in awe; An Illusionist – unaware of the way he creates a new world altogether and weaves it into someone’s mind; A Hypnotist – unaware of how close he comes to you and gets into your mind, sees nothing but shows you what he desires, he holds your hand and leads you to the dance floor and makes it the time of your life…and then as innocently asks, “who are you?” And you actually, forget what the correct answer was…rather you intentionally ignore reality for want of that Hypnotist!

Now, have you ever had an acquaintance with one? Well here I have to make a few things clear; I certainly do not refer to a professional Hypnotist. Here, he is the one person who ventured in to your mind’s private territory without any permission and you not just feel belonged to him, but also welcomed him with all his splendour. He comes to you with a massive wealth of happiness and zest for living your life to the fullest. He makes you smile when you really want to cry, makes you laugh when you are tired and low, and holds you tight in his arms just to tell you…I’m right here. He creates a world so warm and cosy that you never want to venture out of it.

Just imagine yourself standing on a lonely beach at 12.00 noon, the sun right above your head and the wind – mild and warm (feels very warm due to the high levels of humidity in the air). The waves of the sea are relatively cold but don’t give you any comfort. And you get tired, despite standing at one of the most beautiful beaches. You hardly hear any sounds there, actually, nothing other than that of the waves coming and going off the shore in a lame and lazy pace.  There comes the Hypnotist! You initially don't see him very well, your eyes are almost blinded by the harsh sunlight. And all you feel is a stranger walking up to you from a distance. He holds your hand and takes you closer to the densely grown coconut trees. He makes you sit down on the sand (initially it feels warm and you are not sure if you were happy to be sitting down there). But, you sit down quietly looking at him; into his eyes. He has a very calm expression on his face and appears familiar to you. He offers you a glass of water…not directly though. He holds it in his left hand and looks at the beautiful beach. He then points his index finger of the right hand to the Sun and slowly directs the sunlight to creep into that glass of water. There…you suddenly see the water sparkling as if there were floating diamonds added to it. It thrills you and brings this warm smile on your face. He warmly smiles back to you. He then points his finger to the clouds in the bright blue sky and directs them into the glass as well. This just looks so damn beautiful that you are in an awe of its beauty. The water in the glass is sparkling blue and looks calm and energised, equally. And at the end, he closes his eyes and points his fingers at his temples and directs that also to the glass. He opens his eyes and looks deep into your eyes, making sure none of you witness anything around. Before you may realise, the entire universe has changed, at that moment you only see his eyes deeply drowned in yours and you keep getting increasingly deeper into his. You have completely lost control of yourself and have willingly placed your fate in his hands. Somewhere in his eyes, you start noticing your image and smile. It's you inside him and then you allow the expanse of your aura to absorb him, your own Hypnotist. He offers you the glass of water and you have it. |------| Silence…..You don’t hear absolutely anything around you, its absolute silence. The only sense that works is your sense of taste. You have never had that taste before, its just as sweet as you would have always loved, just as warm or cool as you would have always found apt and just so calming as you may always have desired. You are floored by his art of making just the right elixir for you and you offer a portion of it to him as well. And he happily shares it. Its then, that you are a “united one” in a universe containing singularity.

It is this moment in life that changes your world forever. There after you do not feel the heat on the beach, you rather enjoy the sun. You do not feel strange about the sand slipping under your feet, you rather play with it. You do not find it a lonely dull place to live, rather it has transformed in to you very own private heaven. The Hypnotist of your life, changes the world for you.

I had read somewhere long back, that God created gaps between our fingers so that one day someone comes, holds your hand forever, fills up the gaps and makes us complete. Little, do we really think, this way. But, there is always this one magician who creates magic in your life, the one illusionist who creates a world so beautiful that you can witness it with joy until your last breath, and the one dreamer who teaches you how to dream. The One Hypnotist who pulls you close and makes you thrive in a world of your own dreams that he has created just for you.