I could have jumped off

In that moment, I really thought I would jump off the cliff. The only thing in my sight then was the stream of river flowing deep down surrounded by the vast Himalayas, rolling stones at distances, some unfamiliar trees and my feet, half in the air with heels grounded steadily onto the fragile edge of a cliff. The air was thin and pricking cold but my heart felt warm. Yes, this was real. I was not sad or depressed nor did I possess any other kind of negative emotion in that moment. What I did feel, however, was a strange calmness that enveloped me in a way that I wanted nothing more out of life. I had not realised when I walked so close to the edge and was very happily willing to jump off to feel the pull of gravity and some resistance coming from the air pressure that rises up from the valley.

The Himalayas do that to you.

This was close to the end of my 12-day trek to the Everest Base Camp. Don’t remember distinctly, but it must have been the 9^th or 10^th day. The descend had begun and we were gaining oxygen levels as we kept losing altitude. It felt better each passing hour. The difference in the ease with which we breath was noticeable. The days that had gone by, had made me realise one thing for sure that when you walk alone in a terrain like that, it builds you to last forever – physically as well as emotionally. The journey thus far was a crazy roller-coaster with days when I was super happy and days when I cried gallons. Some days I walked relatively well while on some days I fell on the ground as my legs gave up the strength. At such times, the mind plays very dirty.

The day I crossed the wind-valley between Pheriche (4243 mtrs or 13,920 ft) and reached Dughla/Thukla (4620 mtrs or 15,157 ft), I was down with migraine and my leg was swollen like a log of soft wood. I was forced to rest while my fellow trekkers walked ahead leaving me and my porter behind. The next day we walked to a sunnier spot and rested throughout the day basking in the sun. That was the only way to heal in that cold dry climate. The day after that, me and my porter decided to move to the next halt and I asked him to go ahead with the bag as I felt rather confident to walk that distance. He instructed me about the path and assured me that there is no divergence on the route for that day.

Walking all alone in the Himalayas at that altitude where you see no life in form of any insects, birds or animals baring the occasional visits of the grazing yaks; humbled me and liberated me simultaneously. Throughout the day, I could hear only three distinct sounds, the wind gushing, my footsteps and my heavy breathing. Absolutely nothing else. But to be honest, I thanked God for all the pain I had endured and the loneliness I experienced because it resulted in me freeing from my own shackles and opening up to the best healer, mother nature. I found myself the way I did not know ever.

After all such experiences, there I was on the 9^th or 10^th day while descending. The day was bright and as we lost altitude, some forestation had returned and so did some birds. It was beautiful indeed. On a sharp hairpin bend on the path downward, I stopped for a few minutes to breath and rest. As I stood there admiring the beauty of that place, I noticed the river underneath flowing between two magnanimous mountains. All of a sudden, I started to feel very light, as if I had no weight on me at all. My backpack was non-existent then and my body knew no pain. There was some divine calmness that had covered me up in itself. I wasn’t even feeling cold at all and in that moment, I felt myself being pulled into the engulfing air that was rising up from the valley beneath. Standing on the edge of the cliff I was about to simply leave myself to nature and pass. In my mind I had already reached halfway down the cliff.

Just then, my senses returned to notice that I was standing on the edge with half my feet hanging in the air.

I could have jumped off the cliff, of course unknowingly. But I didn’t.

On realising what just happened, I wanted to retrace and finish my day’s climb as soon as I could. The struggle that time was to take a step back. Not because I was into any trance by then, but because I was so close to the edge that even if I took a hasty step backward, I could have fallen into the valley and never returned. That scared me a bit, but I slowly dragged myself back and climbed down safely.

I still resonate with the feelings I had that day and crave to go back. The Himalayas are a home to my soul.

Pain - The best teacher

How many times in life do we really get to know ourselves deeply? We are social animals and meet several new people in our daily life. It is said that on an average, even an introvert interacts with at least one unknown person daily. In this complex and highly social world, we easily forget to meet ourselves, not realizing the importance for it. Not willingly, but I met myself very closely one day and almost refused to recognize this inner being.

It was end of April 2016, a cold day with harsh winds blowing in the upper Khumbu region of the Himalayas.  I woke up tired and unwilling to go anywhere because the past few days’ fatigue from trekking had made my legs sore. However, we had targeted reaching the Everest Base Camp in 7 days. So, we begun, though half-heartedly.

As we begun ascending, the pain increased with every 15-20 meters. Not much elevation was achieved by noon and I needed to speed-up to reach the next halt by end of day. I walked alone for long as my team, guide and porter were far ahead. The route for Everest Base Camp from Lukla is rather simple, with only 2 diversions on the way. If you are aware of those, one can easily walk alone in the region harmlessly. I decided to take my time and pace it out slow. The silence of the Himalayas is rather too loud and I could hear my soul screaming of pain – physical as well as mental. I fell on my knees not wanting to go anywhere and cried. Never had I found myself so demotivated and ready to give-up all that was achieved thus far. I dragged myself to a nearby village and decided to halt there. My legs were in excruciating pain.

That night, I was shaken not because of the pain that I couldn’t tolerate but because I didn’t recognize the part of me who would give-up. Usually, I am stubborn and would sail through anything on the back of my unmatched determination. But that day, I had succumbed to the perils and lost all courage to get back up. I spent the evening dipping my legs in warm salt water and sipping on some khukri (a local rum in Nepal), to keep me as warm as it could. The temperature outside was about minus 3 degrees Celsius, something I hadn’t dealt with earlier. To add to that, the home stays along the entire Khumbu region do not have heaters. So, you are expected to make peace with the cold.

Next morning, when I woke up, the house keeper, a middle-aged native lady dressed in a large yak wool cloak, served me a cup of steaming Himalayan lemon tea with some boiled eggs and sat by my side holding my hand. She said ‘this game isn’t about physical strength but emotional strength that gets you through the toughest terrain.’ Tears rolled down my eyes because I realized that my defeat last evening was not about the pain but I surrendered mentally. That wasn’t the real me. Couldn’t have been. I finished my tea, took a few deep breaths and assured myself of never giving-up because pain comes only to make us stronger. It is a difficult exam, once passed you do not have to reappear. I started my onward journey that day with much more determination. The pain had started to fade away gradually, mostly because my muscles and tissues were becoming numb from the cold. There’s only so much you can feel, beyond which there is blissful numbness.

On my remaining journey to the Everest Base Camp, I fell sick once again, much worse than this pain in the legs and was bed-ridden for a day, forced to stay lied down in the sun room so that the heat from the metal roof getting baked in the sun could heal me. But I walked the next day alone to catch up with fellow trekkers and that journey made me fall in love with walking solo. I met myself and loved this human so much. I loved the vulnerabilities and strength it derived from each situation. For the first time, I fell in love with myself, truly.

That younger sibling's elder Sis...

Look at that stupid elder sister tolerating all your shenanigans and mischief. 

Didn't she have a childhood too? 

She loves you like no one else, 

Didn't she want it back too?

You came to this world and changed her's.

You cried, laughed and played with her.

You put your blames on her and knew she would save.

You hid behind her when you got scolded.

No matter how old you grew, 

You knew she was there just as before.

No matter how much you knew,

She was your Google search too.

No matter what you did,

She was watching and worried even now.

Well, she surely was your super woman,

But never brave enough to see you hurt.

She certainly held the strength of the world,

But not enough to see you go.

Did she just lose you when you thought you life was yours alone?

Did she not stop feeling belonged forever,

Stopped being as brave as she had to, to save you,

Stopped being the elder sister that she trained herself to be, right since toddler age?

Just like a mischievous kid you once were,

Along with your own life,

You took her's too.

And she's just expected to be brave!

Social Paranoia

One of my bosses once told me, “Payal you don’t mince words, right?” He looked mildly uneasy about something I said, though I don’t have any memory of the topic of discussion. I sensed his feeling and had to tell him “yes I don’t mince words. But I have gone through a few unnecessary misunderstandings in the past and feel that’s a good thing. You will be 100% sure that I will never ever talk behind your back because whether I like something or dislike it, I openly tell people upfront. Yes some people hate it, yes they think I’m not diplomatic and also a bit insensitive or courageously expressive. But they are always sure of what I mean and that’s a safe place to be. At least, I never lie.”

It is a few years since then and I happened to get into a similar conversation with my sister which got me thinking about it a little more. 

If we closely observe, about 50% of the subconscious mind of almost all people stays occupied with the thought of what others may think about them, their appearance, work, voice, the way they talk, walk, eat, drink and the list goes on. Amongst us there are a select few people who feel very approachable to all of us, or shall I say most of us. We like them and can walk up to them to talk anything, for a simple reason that they are unbiased and carry a different kind of peace with them. So why can’t we all be that way? Does it really take much to be openly truthful and honest? Isn’t it nice to express what you feel with fearing about being judged? 

Somewhere, in today’s world we do not trust people easily. We aren’t sure if they really mean what they say and to what extent can we rely on them. Now, here some may argue that we are becoming more independent but that’s not exactly independence. It is some kind of loneliness that has started making it’s own space in our minds and most of us have started liking it in a fear of betrayal that may (or may not) occur. But still we meet people, make friends fall in love, party hard, travel with friends and family; and all of it feels right. Despite this a fact remains that we may not be able to (literally) blindly trust anyone and I call it social paranoia. 

I don’t like it, nor do I want people to. Someday I hope we shall have a tribe of all totally unbiased & crisply honest people who can be trusted with life. People who would feel like a peaceful home in the middle of chaos. People who would be like a cup of hot black coffee on a cold morning or a warm cup of oolong tea on a breezy summer afternoon. People who can hold your hand palm-to-palm and share their energies to create larger bliss.

Farq

Iss sheher mein ek farq dekha hai maine,

Apnepan aur paraayon ke beech.

Saturday night aur sunday ki dopeher ke beech;

Ek aam din pe BKC mein chai ki tapri aur weekend pe railway station ke chai wale ke beech...

Iss sheher mein farq dekha hai maine.

Jab kareeb se jaan ne ki koshish ki,

Toh ek khoya khoya sa mann aur usmein bhara dard dekha hai,

Iss sheher mein janab, maine ek farq dekha hai.

Kahan toh bachpan mein sab dost saath khelte the,

Aur cheekh cheekh kar sara mohalla sar pe utha  lete the.

Kahan ab guzar jate hain sabhi ek sophisticated si smile dekar,

Aur apne aap ko ek dusre ka childhood buddy kehkar khush ho lete hain.

Kahan toh woh pehli baarish mein,

Apne gharon se nikal kar chhatt par daud jate the,

Aur kahan ab sabhi ko inhi boondon se bachkar,

Ghar se gaadiyon ki orr bhagte dekha hai.

Iss sheher mein farq dekha hai maine.

Apne logon, makano aur sadkon mein hi nahi,

Par dil ki masoom si khwashishon mein aur unse bane khwabon mein farq dekha hai.

I Fail To Understand

I actually fail to understand the human mindset over several topics. One of them is most recent to me.

So I am a woman in my mid-30s and have a usually busy work-life. I discovered an ideal time to go for a walk and that happened to be around 9.30pm pm to 11.00pm, after which I would come home and sleep off for yet another busy day ahead.

Now, a friendly elderly person told me this was 'bad idea because 'I am unmarried...single...and walking at that hour...so the so-called society/samaj is going to judge me (my character) based on this'. 

REALLY?????????????????

The samaj doesn't mind when I go to a pub with my friends/colleagues and come home at 1am. But they mind if I want to go for a walk at 9.30pm and sit in the Kali Mata temple to rest, before I get home. 

I fail to understand what this so called samaj comprises of and what exactly do they want to derive by such petty mindedness. Is it full of people who can't see others happy? Or is it just the jealous people who feel bad when others do what they couldn't do in their lives?

In the year 2019...about to be 2020 in a matter of days, are will still so sick? 

Why does anyone have to be surprised if I'm single? 

Yes I am, but I'm not ready to mingle (like someone commented). 

Yes I am single, but I'm not sad that I haven't found the right partner in life. 

Yes I'm single and I absolutely DO NOT need people to advise me on how to get hooked, nor tell me ways to impress that annoying samaj, which means nothing at all.

God is in dire need...

Yes indeed, God is in dire need...
Of people truthful and kind,
Of angels reliable and fine,
Of souls that spread happiness undying...
Yes indeed, God is in dire need.

Never understood how and why is life planned such. From where does this life come and where does it really go? How someone who is happy, healthy, loving and wise leaves the planet so soon and how the crooked souls survive? What or who should be held responsible - the air that's not like before or the roads that are far more rocky?; the saddened hearts or mounting stress?; the lack of peace or the minds in pieces.....

How does everyone become brave enough to pack a pair of clothes for a friend's funeral? How do people burry their still born children? How does a young aunt see her nephew for the first time in a coffin? How on Earth do people burn them without whom they wouldn't even eat a meal?

But above all, how would you explain to yourself, the passing away of someone who was yet to live their life fully?

It seems, surely God is in dire need...