This Love Hate Relationship

In continuation of “City of Blinding Lights”

The first time I wrote about Mumbai (long ago), was when I had just started working, gotten in to the groove of a work-life balance (not really was I able to balance, though). Life, in those days, was a lot different than what it is today. Lesser means, lesser facilities, very very less pay, unbranded clothes and locally bought sandles, yet so much happiness, ample ‘me time’, some kinda undisturbed mental peace (which at that time I was under impression that ‘its missing’ hahaha). Today I have all those things that I used to dream about back then and had imagined about how happy all that would make me feel. But the peace has somehow disappeared. I wish I had known how beautiful life was then and how tough it gets with each step you take towards achieving your aspirations.

Of all the things existing in this city, what I loved more…rather most; was the weird kinda change of behavior and the crazy 24x7 rush that people experience here. Now, you may call me funny or foolish, but yes flamboyant things have never attracted me much. What really pulls me closer is the need to understand something that I don’t really understand. My cravings for that extra bit of ‘life lessons’ (which I strongly believe can be learnt only in practical sense, no book or human can preach or teach), have, by now, gotten me into deep shit several times. But, that’s how I am and that’s exactly why I’ve always loved this city so unconditionally – it offers all. So at this juncture in life, if I can call myself an achiever of an award or a certified mountaineer (something I’m more proud about than my profession) or being a reasonable photographer or a fairly good cook or someone who writes more than she reads, is all somehow, somewhere and to some extent thanks to this vast gamut of things offered by this city (someone reading this right now certainly would be laughing at me and saying ‘this girl is just so biased for a city like this’. But, it’s more of sarcasm than anything else).

In several places that I’ve travelled, I’ve witnessed such peace in the mind of the locals despite all odds that the location may have to face, so much empathy, such affection towards one another and such a simple-no frills kinda life. May be that’s the reason why these folks when they come over to a city like Mumbai, feel suffocated, cluttered, restless, tensed, and all such emotions that one can think of. The glam and galore doesn’t impress anyone beyond a few days – it just fades off as life’s realities kick in. For me, though, I feel this has been one of the most instrumental aspects of the place I live in, as it has prepared me for the worst, so I can now have the best of what the rest of the world may offer (restricting me to the better places on Earth and not the heartless cruel lands that may exist).

Such amazing relationships are built here. A friend who would give you a warm hug in front of others and say ‘don’t worry I’m there with you in your odds’, would after few hours be found bitching about you to some other ‘so called’ friend of yours. A close relative who may claim to love you unconditionally and console you when you cry gallons after an accident, would be soon telling others that you are a maniac and would have killed people around, portraying you as one of the most insane beings they came across on this planet. Someone who you look forward to spend life with may emerge as one who treated you nothing more than an instrument. Parents don’t know what their kid may be going through. Kids are unaware of their parents’ plans and intentions; they all hardly talk once a week or so. Siblings get to talk only over the phone or on chat because they are all busy in their respective lives. Friends…well there is a different set of them for each purpose – morning walk friends for constant inspiration to walk, office friends for gossiping, friends at the club for a game you play, trekking friends who will meet only on a trek and not even know if you are dead or alive otherwise, and so on. Such is life in the middle of this glamorous piece of land. There is emptiness all around. I call it the “crowded emptiness”.

How do I say whether I love or hate this City? What I love is the beautiful sunrise at the Bandra fort, the nicely cooked chai at a local tea stall, egg-roast and appam with filter coffee at a small joint called Sneha, the nice evening walk at the beach, and so on. As I grew up, there were several times when I just wanted to escape from the noise all around, so would go the Kali Mata temple in Shivaji Park with either a book or my ipod (no phones at all!) and just sit there for hours reading or listening to music. At times, I would go to the nearby crossword store and pick up a kids book to read, though a bit funny, but it’s one of the best stress busters to read kiddy stuff. I also loved singing nursery rhymes until I discovered the hidden agendas and meanings behind several of my favourite rhymes. I’m a story teller at heart and so love hearing them too. Place a kid in front of me and I can tell stories until that kid get tired of hearing them, I’ve read a lot of these…too many, I should say. I love driving around the city. Yes driving; despite the super crazy traffic situation. A nice drive at the Bandra-Worli sea-link after office is pure bliss and so is the early morning drive to the Colaba and Nariman Point.

In the nut-shell, what I like doing is, spending time absolutely alone, because I know for sure, that I will stand by me in all even and odds. It is this Love Hate Relationship that I dwell with. But I need peace now. I want to live and not just survive and sail through.