Sounds of the night

Somewhere in the skies, I've lost my sleep tonight. Honestly, I had an awesome plan to sleep early and wake up late and treat myself with a nice quality beauty sleep. But what I ended up with, is a sleepless night. Now I'm actually done trying all the possible things that could put me to sleep, such as - pray, meditate, read a book, play a boring game, count sheep and also pretend to be fast asleep...hehehe. Nothing seems to work, so what best I can do with this time is write about it.  

While I was struggling to fall asleep, I noticed that the nights that we usually term to be a very quite time of the 24 hour day, isn't really as much. As a kid, I used to happily imagine that the world turns upside down in the night and then straightens up again at dawn. As if the fan were on the floor and the tiles up on the ceiling. As if the bed was upside down and I was almost hanging in air...how did I not fall? Was I glued to the bed or is gravity also reversed when it's dark? So when I would wake up and ask mom about all this, she would give me a adequately convincing reply, "well, when I woke up early morning everything was indeed upside down and then all things started falling in place as the sun came up." Yeah, that made sense to me. But what I learn now at an age in my early 30s, is that my imagination as a kid wasn't all that wrong. Surprised? Me too.  

The night isn't really quiet. It's full of sounds that we don't hear but exist. There are things that change their place and/or position from what it was when we kept them there. For example, a plastic bag that we may have placed on a table, sometime in the night moves a bit to the side and if there's some wind, the bag might just fall on the floor. A book kept on the table alongside the bed may move a bit to the edge or even fall off...may be because you ending up pushing it unknowingly. At 3.30 am, the magnetic clip of my bag, that I may have left open, pulls itself to close with a self generated click sound. A truck loaded with 'God knows what', passes through a road that's some 500 meters from my home, and I still manage to hear it pass, along with a mild vibration that it generates on the road due to its weight. How and why do we term the night as quite? Is it because when we sleep, we actually switch off from all the sounds? If so, then how can we claim to have anything in the name of a subconscious mind? Or is it that we are just so used to pretending that all the things we say and believe are the final truth on this planet.  

Nights aren't quiet. They are rather noisier than the days. We do feel peaceful, calm and quite in the day when there is no major sound/noise around us. But if you are awake in the night, you would lose count of the kinds of sounds you end up hearing. I feel its the same when you sit quietly for a while. You suddenly start hearing so much that your mind takes some time to process the overload of information. You not just hear a lot that's been happening around you but you also come to terms with your mind and end up in an in depth discussion with yourself. What seemed quite, suddenly becomes noisy. So may be when you stop hearing some sensible stuff when awake, you must stay up in the night and listen something important.  

Now this night need not be the time between sunset and sunrise. It is more of the darker days in your life when you do not understand much of what's happening with you in the day and when you do have an opportunity to keep quiet and introspect, you sleep off. But how would you introspect and get to hear the sounds of the night if you keep talking all the time? For once you have to just shut up and hear what's happening in and around you. Try to understand that if it's become so mundane, when and how it begun? Think about the possible reasons that led to this dull day and gloomy night and get some solutions which would give you that much desired peace again.

It is only when you try and listen to the sounds of the night, that you would understand how things went upside down when you ignorantly slept off. How you put fingers into your ears to not listen to what could have been a life changing sound? Can we not put it in practice to keep quite for a while and introspect, at regular intervals? May be it changes the way life is, or at least our perspective. And may be it just makes us happier than ever before,

Game of Dice

Life is after all a game of dice. At times it makes you crawl ahead slowly and steadily. Then suddenly, comes a big move and leads you to a ladder that would take you 10 steps ahead in the game. Hop skip and jump. You more than happily take that leap, not really knowing what lies ahead. And then just as you take two more steps ahead instead of one or may be three, a long, fat and green snake appears waiting to eat you up and drag you right down 30 chances backward. What would you call it? A problematic life, because a snake ate you up and put you 30 spaces backward? Or would you call it an exciting game of ladders and snakes because you saw how it feels to climb a ladder and get swallowed by a snake as well? Or would you term it as that one never ending adventure that generates an adrenaline rush in your body, mind and soul with a new twist each day.

A few days back I thought of writing about ‘fear’, because I was evaluating the different kinds of fears that can influence a person’s behavior, belief, morale, life and so on. Have you ever thought so much negative magic this thing called ‘fear’ contains? It has the power to turn the most able person in to a real dud and can make a hiker step back just 5 steps before reaching the summit. Its magical. Though not in a good way, it indeed is some kind of magic. But then what is this ‘fear’ thingy? A fear of losing something or someone, fear of dying, fear of not achieving something, fear of being laughed at, fear of falling and not being able to stand up again… The list is endless. But when I thought about it a bit deeper, I realized that it’s not about fear. It’s once again a game containing several chances. You win some and you lose some. Some steps take you ahead and some bring you back to where you started it all from. Just like a game of dice.

One of my favourite authors, in his book, has beautifully explained how one loses all the gold he has and then comes back bankrupt to realize that he wasn’t really so, because of what he was made to save. He has also described how we all go running around the world in search of all that we desire. We live our entire life for hunting that unseen treasure which we so fondly long to possess, just to find out at the end of our life that it exists nowhere else, but in the backyard of our own house. Such is life. All like a game of dice which you keep playing until the end and then realize that you finally ended exactly where you started. But in the process you lose a lot and gain a lot as well. What you gain depends purely on your ability to accept the changes that occur in the process and the teachings that you receive and absorb on the way. What you lose, similarly, depends on your awareness about yourself, the surroundings, and your ability to understand what is good and what is bad, your opinions about each person, place and happening.

Life actually depends on how you roll the dice and how well you play the game. It has got nothing to do with the snakes and ladders because the game doesn’t really change for anyone. It’s the same for all and always. What differs is perception and perspective.

Is anyone home?

As I opened the door of the house and stepped inside, I found it to be surprisingly empty. Pin drop silence and no light. My heart skipped a beat as a set of thoughts started rushing through my mind. I called out, “is anyone home?” No reply. I got a bit nervous and called out again, “mumma!” No reply; again. So I decided not to take off the shoes and just rushed in to check throughout the house. From a distance, I could see my father sitting in the balcony with his headphones on, listening to music. He hadn’t heard me coming in. As I walked ahead, I saw my sister’s bag lying on the small table near the door and she was quietly reading a book in another corner of the house. She didn’t hear me either as she was too engrossed in reading the book (something she calls as her best friend). By now I was confirmed of things being fine and went back to the door to take off my shoes, after which I headed for the kitchen where I was expecting my mom to be. She was cooking something that had a hunger quenching fragrance which brought an instant smile on my face. I sniffed like a dog and rushed towards her with all smiles and said, “mumma…what are you making? I’m suddenly dying of hunger…it’s smelling so damn good”. She just didn’t react to all that I said and didn’t even look at me. Didn’t she hear me? Is she lost in some thoughts? Is she angry with me? Did I do anything wrong? A thousand questions rushed past my mind and my heart sank. I repeated calling her out and she just didn’t react…as if I simply didn’t exist at all. I just turned back and saw one of my most beautiful pictures, put up on the wall…I suddenly felt awesome…and turned to mom and asked, “hey is this the surprise? Is this why you were pretending as if not talking to me?” But even this time she didn’t react. Something suddenly caught my sight and my heart stopped beating completely. I put my hand on my chest to check for my heartbeat, but it was missing. I ran outside to my sister and called her out. She didn’t hear. I then hit her and she didn’t notice that either. Ideally she would have asked me to get lost when I disturb her while she’s reading a book. I started running towards dad and stopped mid-way. I couldn’t even have the strength and courage to even walk a step further, let alone running. This time I took some really heavy and slow steps towards that picture on the wall and re-checked what I had seen. A small incense stick burning slowly with its fume rising above through my picture on the wall. Apparently, I actually didn’t exist. I dropped down on my knees and cried the loudest in my life…I wanted to hug my mom so badly and tell her that I love her most on this planet. I wanted to tease my sister and run away so that she runs behind me to hit me back. I wanted to hear my father shout at us saying, “are you both still toddlers to make so much noise?” But; I did not exist anymore and that explained the silence that my ever noisy house was drowned in.

I woke up with a jolt, so strong that as I opened my eyes I found myself almost ready to stand up. I ran to the tiny temple in my in my house to say, “Thank God, I’m alive”. Mom was up already and making tea in the kitchen. As I went closer, she hugged me and greeted good morning. I hugged her, as if I would never leave and cried. I told her what I dreamt and she laughed it off saying you are mad, nothing has happened to you and nothing would. I felt so good to have this assurance from mom, as if life ever came with any certainty. But, what the dream taught me was far more precious than life itself. May be in the wake of being busy and struggling to achieve whatever came to my mind, I was compromising on things that were closest to my heart. I wanted to tease my sister and annoy her, irritate mom and then console her saying that she is the best, annoy dad just to make him laugh later and so on.

Life is too short, I had read. But honestly, I never realised how short could it be until I opened my eyes after that dreadful dream. There will never be time enough to spend with our loved ones. Also, we don’t really know how much time we actually have to fit in our wishes, aspirations, creative pursuits, etc. Then why just get stuck in a daily grind of eat-sleep-work. What if I plan my trek to the Mount Everest and die the night prior to taking a flight to Nepal? What if I call my mom saying I’m busy and will be late, and meet with an accident on the way to not reach at all? What if I write a book dreaming about standing on the dais to talk about and die just before the formal publishing press meet. Strange, isn’t it? I don’t wanna ask that dreaded question (is anyone home?) in my life and for that to happen I live to the fullest, love to the fullest and do all that makes me feel happy and alive. So that, one day when I actually have an incense stick in front of my picture, I can gracefully walk up to it and smile. I want to be satisfied when I cease to exist in the material form on Earth.

This Love Hate Relationship

In continuation of “City of Blinding Lights”

The first time I wrote about Mumbai (long ago), was when I had just started working, gotten in to the groove of a work-life balance (not really was I able to balance, though). Life, in those days, was a lot different than what it is today. Lesser means, lesser facilities, very very less pay, unbranded clothes and locally bought sandles, yet so much happiness, ample ‘me time’, some kinda undisturbed mental peace (which at that time I was under impression that ‘its missing’ hahaha). Today I have all those things that I used to dream about back then and had imagined about how happy all that would make me feel. But the peace has somehow disappeared. I wish I had known how beautiful life was then and how tough it gets with each step you take towards achieving your aspirations.

Of all the things existing in this city, what I loved more…rather most; was the weird kinda change of behavior and the crazy 24x7 rush that people experience here. Now, you may call me funny or foolish, but yes flamboyant things have never attracted me much. What really pulls me closer is the need to understand something that I don’t really understand. My cravings for that extra bit of ‘life lessons’ (which I strongly believe can be learnt only in practical sense, no book or human can preach or teach), have, by now, gotten me into deep shit several times. But, that’s how I am and that’s exactly why I’ve always loved this city so unconditionally – it offers all. So at this juncture in life, if I can call myself an achiever of an award or a certified mountaineer (something I’m more proud about than my profession) or being a reasonable photographer or a fairly good cook or someone who writes more than she reads, is all somehow, somewhere and to some extent thanks to this vast gamut of things offered by this city (someone reading this right now certainly would be laughing at me and saying ‘this girl is just so biased for a city like this’. But, it’s more of sarcasm than anything else).

In several places that I’ve travelled, I’ve witnessed such peace in the mind of the locals despite all odds that the location may have to face, so much empathy, such affection towards one another and such a simple-no frills kinda life. May be that’s the reason why these folks when they come over to a city like Mumbai, feel suffocated, cluttered, restless, tensed, and all such emotions that one can think of. The glam and galore doesn’t impress anyone beyond a few days – it just fades off as life’s realities kick in. For me, though, I feel this has been one of the most instrumental aspects of the place I live in, as it has prepared me for the worst, so I can now have the best of what the rest of the world may offer (restricting me to the better places on Earth and not the heartless cruel lands that may exist).

Such amazing relationships are built here. A friend who would give you a warm hug in front of others and say ‘don’t worry I’m there with you in your odds’, would after few hours be found bitching about you to some other ‘so called’ friend of yours. A close relative who may claim to love you unconditionally and console you when you cry gallons after an accident, would be soon telling others that you are a maniac and would have killed people around, portraying you as one of the most insane beings they came across on this planet. Someone who you look forward to spend life with may emerge as one who treated you nothing more than an instrument. Parents don’t know what their kid may be going through. Kids are unaware of their parents’ plans and intentions; they all hardly talk once a week or so. Siblings get to talk only over the phone or on chat because they are all busy in their respective lives. Friends…well there is a different set of them for each purpose – morning walk friends for constant inspiration to walk, office friends for gossiping, friends at the club for a game you play, trekking friends who will meet only on a trek and not even know if you are dead or alive otherwise, and so on. Such is life in the middle of this glamorous piece of land. There is emptiness all around. I call it the “crowded emptiness”.

How do I say whether I love or hate this City? What I love is the beautiful sunrise at the Bandra fort, the nicely cooked chai at a local tea stall, egg-roast and appam with filter coffee at a small joint called Sneha, the nice evening walk at the beach, and so on. As I grew up, there were several times when I just wanted to escape from the noise all around, so would go the Kali Mata temple in Shivaji Park with either a book or my ipod (no phones at all!) and just sit there for hours reading or listening to music. At times, I would go to the nearby crossword store and pick up a kids book to read, though a bit funny, but it’s one of the best stress busters to read kiddy stuff. I also loved singing nursery rhymes until I discovered the hidden agendas and meanings behind several of my favourite rhymes. I’m a story teller at heart and so love hearing them too. Place a kid in front of me and I can tell stories until that kid get tired of hearing them, I’ve read a lot of these…too many, I should say. I love driving around the city. Yes driving; despite the super crazy traffic situation. A nice drive at the Bandra-Worli sea-link after office is pure bliss and so is the early morning drive to the Colaba and Nariman Point.

In the nut-shell, what I like doing is, spending time absolutely alone, because I know for sure, that I will stand by me in all even and odds. It is this Love Hate Relationship that I dwell with. But I need peace now. I want to live and not just survive and sail through.

Asamanjas mein hun main ke kya hun !

Asamanjas mein hun main ke kya hun !

Kahin kisike haath ka khilauna ?
Ya thaame haath kisika saath hun.

Kahin gum ho gayi ek aawaz ?
Ya haath pakad kar dikhati raah hun.

Asamanjas mein hun main ke kya hun...

Jo chahe keh de koi, Jo soche kar de.
Na saath chale koi...Na tanha bhi chhode koi.

Kahin woh kitaab toh nahi jise padh kar fek de koi,
Ya woh granth hun jo khud baithkar likhe koi ?

Asamanjas mein hun main ke kya hun...

Ek bheege se darakht par lipti foolon ki lata hu,
Ya khud se hi sahara dhundta ek tez hawa mein uda hua chinar ka patta.

Asamanjas mein hun main ke kya hun...

Kahin woh oss ki boond toh nahi, jo raat ke andhakaar mein nami de aur subah hote hi hawa ho jaye...

Ya hun woh tez baarish jo aasmaan se zameen par gir jaye aur antar tak bhiga de kisiko...

Imbibed - a short yet long story

“Imbibe is like the rain that falls on you and drenches you...more within your soul than the body. It not just cools down the heat that the atmosphere generated...but conversely gives you warmth that wraps you round”, I told him as I imagined us getting drenched in the rains and his warm hug wrapping me up in its perpetual warmth. Teasing me, he was; and I said I’ll be imbibed in you so you can’t tease me. He laughed endlessly.

It had been about four days since we bumped into each other accidentally, over mutual admiration of our work in photography; and there we were...discussing life, work, profession, hobbies, habits - the good and the bad. We had struck an instant connection out of nowhere and that had already started to feel like taking us into a larger trouble. The four days had gone by as if it were four years and we already knew as much about each other. Somehow, there was nothing romantic between us, no frills at all. But we spoke of every detail under the sun and realised how clone-like we were. We had been bitten by some bug, we didn't know existed.

It was a tale of two cities, not too far by distance or cultural difference, but far apart for the urge to meet, sit face-to-face and talk. Talk until the dates on the calendar change...we actually can talk to each other that much. "We are heading for trouble", I said and he laughed out loud again. A man known for smiling rarely was suddenly having bouts of a wholesome laughter that surprised everyone else around him. And a woman, an advocate of bachelorhood was suddenly appreciative of companionship..."you never know".

As the saying goes, "When you desire something from the bottom of your heart and soul; the whole universe conspires to get you that". A bit filmy but that's how it was and he happened to come over to my city for a meeting, we decide to catch up in the evening and we did. We had fallen for each other, not surely aware of it though. In what could be called the fastest proposal...he replied "We are into TROUBLE". We knew what it meant and we met the next day to talk further about random things in and around our individual lives...just to meet up again late evening. The fifth day of us meeting had changed the way we looked at the world, entirely.

Me - the nomad

I’m a nomad;
don’t mistake me for being civilized,
For this whole concept of civilization has gone haywire causing immense loss of humanity, faith and love.

I’m a nomad;
don’t expect to see me around the same place,
For this world is vast and worth exploring beyond the limits of your earthly beliefs.

I’m a nomad;
don’t think I will be enveloped in the vicious circles of greed, envy and lust,
For when I love I allow no hindrances and when I hate I see no reasons to hold back.

I’m a nomad;
but with a small tribe of like-minded humans who haven’t gotten lost in this world, who haven’t forgotten how to live and those who really value one another.