ASSUME

Years ago, one day in the class, one of our professors wrote the word ASSUME on the black board and asked us all what it meant. We were wise kids and knew for sure it was not the real question, though we did not know what he meant by that. He then turned to the board and wrote it again, this time splitting it as – ASS-U-ME. At first, we thought it was humour, but it wasn’t. “Assume”, he said, “is Ass-U-Me because that’s what we make of ourselves when we assume things without getting into the facts of a matter.”

Isn’t life just so simple when we stop assuming and start communicating clearly about everything? I, however, grew up to become an equity research analyst and that’s where everything changed. The 13 years that I spent doing research made me assume all the time, literally. While I would call those assumptions well calculated expectations, that also was a detrimental point because it became a habit to be calculative, assume and expect. This does n0t work well in real life. This is a kind of professional hazard and can cause long term damages just like a 10-hour desk job would do to your spine and eyes.

One good part of being born as a human is that we evolve, not just from one generation to another, but also during one lifetime into a different person year after year as we learn and grow. It is critical that we separate work and life, well. We conveniently talk about damage control but little do we realise that what can be avoided should not be allowed to reach a level where you need to course correct it. Stress and anxiety have become fashionable in today’s time. People somehow find pride in saying that they have stressful lives and that they feel anxious. If we look closely, though, the root cause may be the fact that we assume and expect on a constant basis, what we should not. This when it does not turn out the way it was visualised causes damage to our brain senses and we invite stress and anxiety for a stayover. Unfortunately, the quantum and magnitude may vary but we all do it in our personal lives too. Professor was right indeed, ASSUME really means ASS-U-ME. 

Life felt worthwhile...

This was a fateful day for many in the equity markets. Yesterday, the ruling government won the general elections for the third term but with a very thin margin unlike universal expectations of their thumping majority that had led to valuations in the equity markets reach euphoric levels. It all crashed like a pack of cards as many of their favourite leaders started to lose.

Today, a very large investor in the capital markets stood silent on the cremation ground with his umbrella drenched as the city experienced the first rain of the season, and him trying to avoid frantic calls from his dealer who needed to discuss his trading positions. The dealer on the other side was sitting in his office much earlier than his usual time surrounded by his bosses and on parallel calls from the risk team, as the client’s positions had exceeded his available margins and this needed urgent selling of all of his existing stock. Standing on the cremation ground, this conversation had to go through at last despite all odds of personal life.

People in the investment business had hardly had a day on ‘results day’. Most spent the day running between trading terminals, responding to a hundred emails, messages and calls from clients who needed clarity and views on the markets and their respective stocks; discussing how the next day could be like while sitting in office and see the night fall darker with each passing minute. The day was heavy as anxiety caused high blood pressure and other immediate health concerns. Yet, all popped pills and stayed up through each second of the activity. People ran across their offices at a pace they may otherwise not, sat without using the washroom for hours at length, skipped lunches and even forgot to stay hydrated…all for a day to end and wait for the next one to bring even higher levels of activity.

It was similar for so many others in the market as all gains of previous trades eroded on the election result day, many investors were only waiting for the markets to open on Day 2 and see their principle investment go off into thin air. Years of earnings or a dream investment or sheer thrill of trading, this market had ways to give shocks to all involved.

Yet, not a soul was sad. This was a life of their choosing and no matter what it did to them; they were drowned in love with each aspect of the capital markets. Here, sat a research analyst turned senior advisor who came with over 40,000 hours of experience in the capital markets, seeing it all as their own investments shrunk tick by tick, yet engrossed in a thousand other queries raised by clients and running from one meeting to another. With all the sun and rain, smiles and tears and several tissue boxes, life felt worthwhile in its full grandeur.

I could have jumped off

In that moment, I really thought I would jump off the cliff. The only thing in my sight then was the stream of river flowing deep down surrounded by the vast Himalayas, rolling stones at distances, some unfamiliar trees and my feet, half in the air with heels grounded steadily onto the fragile edge of a cliff. The air was thin and pricking cold but my heart felt warm. Yes, this was real. I was not sad or depressed nor did I possess any other kind of negative emotion in that moment. What I did feel, however, was a strange calmness that enveloped me in a way that I wanted nothing more out of life. I had not realised when I walked so close to the edge and was very happily willing to jump off to feel the pull of gravity and some resistance coming from the air pressure that rises up from the valley.

The Himalayas do that to you.

This was close to the end of my 12-day trek to the Everest Base Camp. Don’t remember distinctly, but it must have been the 9^th or 10^th day. The descend had begun and we were gaining oxygen levels as we kept losing altitude. It felt better each passing hour. The difference in the ease with which we breath was noticeable. The days that had gone by, had made me realise one thing for sure that when you walk alone in a terrain like that, it builds you to last forever – physically as well as emotionally. The journey thus far was a crazy roller-coaster with days when I was super happy and days when I cried gallons. Some days I walked relatively well while on some days I fell on the ground as my legs gave up the strength. At such times, the mind plays very dirty.

The day I crossed the wind-valley between Pheriche (4243 mtrs or 13,920 ft) and reached Dughla/Thukla (4620 mtrs or 15,157 ft), I was down with migraine and my leg was swollen like a log of soft wood. I was forced to rest while my fellow trekkers walked ahead leaving me and my porter behind. The next day we walked to a sunnier spot and rested throughout the day basking in the sun. That was the only way to heal in that cold dry climate. The day after that, me and my porter decided to move to the next halt and I asked him to go ahead with the bag as I felt rather confident to walk that distance. He instructed me about the path and assured me that there is no divergence on the route for that day.

Walking all alone in the Himalayas at that altitude where you see no life in form of any insects, birds or animals baring the occasional visits of the grazing yaks; humbled me and liberated me simultaneously. Throughout the day, I could hear only three distinct sounds, the wind gushing, my footsteps and my heavy breathing. Absolutely nothing else. But to be honest, I thanked God for all the pain I had endured and the loneliness I experienced because it resulted in me freeing from my own shackles and opening up to the best healer, mother nature. I found myself the way I did not know ever.

After all such experiences, there I was on the 9^th or 10^th day while descending. The day was bright and as we lost altitude, some forestation had returned and so did some birds. It was beautiful indeed. On a sharp hairpin bend on the path downward, I stopped for a few minutes to breath and rest. As I stood there admiring the beauty of that place, I noticed the river underneath flowing between two magnanimous mountains. All of a sudden, I started to feel very light, as if I had no weight on me at all. My backpack was non-existent then and my body knew no pain. There was some divine calmness that had covered me up in itself. I wasn’t even feeling cold at all and in that moment, I felt myself being pulled into the engulfing air that was rising up from the valley beneath. Standing on the edge of the cliff I was about to simply leave myself to nature and pass. In my mind I had already reached halfway down the cliff.

Just then, my senses returned to notice that I was standing on the edge with half my feet hanging in the air.

I could have jumped off the cliff, of course unknowingly. But I didn’t.

On realising what just happened, I wanted to retrace and finish my day’s climb as soon as I could. The struggle that time was to take a step back. Not because I was into any trance by then, but because I was so close to the edge that even if I took a hasty step backward, I could have fallen into the valley and never returned. That scared me a bit, but I slowly dragged myself back and climbed down safely.

I still resonate with the feelings I had that day and crave to go back. The Himalayas are a home to my soul.

Pain - The best teacher

How many times in life do we really get to know ourselves deeply? We are social animals and meet several new people in our daily life. It is said that on an average, even an introvert interacts with at least one unknown person daily. In this complex and highly social world, we easily forget to meet ourselves, not realizing the importance for it. Not willingly, but I met myself very closely one day and almost refused to recognize this inner being.

It was end of April 2016, a cold day with harsh winds blowing in the upper Khumbu region of the Himalayas.  I woke up tired and unwilling to go anywhere because the past few days’ fatigue from trekking had made my legs sore. However, we had targeted reaching the Everest Base Camp in 7 days. So, we begun, though half-heartedly.

As we begun ascending, the pain increased with every 15-20 meters. Not much elevation was achieved by noon and I needed to speed-up to reach the next halt by end of day. I walked alone for long as my team, guide and porter were far ahead. The route for Everest Base Camp from Lukla is rather simple, with only 2 diversions on the way. If you are aware of those, one can easily walk alone in the region harmlessly. I decided to take my time and pace it out slow. The silence of the Himalayas is rather too loud and I could hear my soul screaming of pain – physical as well as mental. I fell on my knees not wanting to go anywhere and cried. Never had I found myself so demotivated and ready to give-up all that was achieved thus far. I dragged myself to a nearby village and decided to halt there. My legs were in excruciating pain.

That night, I was shaken not because of the pain that I couldn’t tolerate but because I didn’t recognize the part of me who would give-up. Usually, I am stubborn and would sail through anything on the back of my unmatched determination. But that day, I had succumbed to the perils and lost all courage to get back up. I spent the evening dipping my legs in warm salt water and sipping on some khukri (a local rum in Nepal), to keep me as warm as it could. The temperature outside was about minus 3 degrees Celsius, something I hadn’t dealt with earlier. To add to that, the home stays along the entire Khumbu region do not have heaters. So, you are expected to make peace with the cold.

Next morning, when I woke up, the house keeper, a middle-aged native lady dressed in a large yak wool cloak, served me a cup of steaming Himalayan lemon tea with some boiled eggs and sat by my side holding my hand. She said ‘this game isn’t about physical strength but emotional strength that gets you through the toughest terrain.’ Tears rolled down my eyes because I realized that my defeat last evening was not about the pain but I surrendered mentally. That wasn’t the real me. Couldn’t have been. I finished my tea, took a few deep breaths and assured myself of never giving-up because pain comes only to make us stronger. It is a difficult exam, once passed you do not have to reappear. I started my onward journey that day with much more determination. The pain had started to fade away gradually, mostly because my muscles and tissues were becoming numb from the cold. There’s only so much you can feel, beyond which there is blissful numbness.

On my remaining journey to the Everest Base Camp, I fell sick once again, much worse than this pain in the legs and was bed-ridden for a day, forced to stay lied down in the sun room so that the heat from the metal roof getting baked in the sun could heal me. But I walked the next day alone to catch up with fellow trekkers and that journey made me fall in love with walking solo. I met myself and loved this human so much. I loved the vulnerabilities and strength it derived from each situation. For the first time, I fell in love with myself, truly.

That younger sibling's elder Sis...

Look at that stupid elder sister tolerating all your shenanigans and mischief. 

Didn't she have a childhood too? 

She loves you like no one else, 

Didn't she want it back too?

You came to this world and changed her's.

You cried, laughed and played with her.

You put your blames on her and knew she would save.

You hid behind her when you got scolded.

No matter how old you grew, 

You knew she was there just as before.

No matter how much you knew,

She was your Google search too.

No matter what you did,

She was watching and worried even now.

Well, she surely was your super woman,

But never brave enough to see you hurt.

She certainly held the strength of the world,

But not enough to see you go.

Did she just lose you when you thought you life was yours alone?

Did she not stop feeling belonged forever,

Stopped being as brave as she had to, to save you,

Stopped being the elder sister that she trained herself to be, right since toddler age?

Just like a mischievous kid you once were,

Along with your own life,

You took her's too.

And she's just expected to be brave!

Social Paranoia

One of my bosses once told me, “Payal you don’t mince words, right?” He looked mildly uneasy about something I said, though I don’t have any memory of the topic of discussion. I sensed his feeling and had to tell him “yes I don’t mince words. But I have gone through a few unnecessary misunderstandings in the past and feel that’s a good thing. You will be 100% sure that I will never ever talk behind your back because whether I like something or dislike it, I openly tell people upfront. Yes some people hate it, yes they think I’m not diplomatic and also a bit insensitive or courageously expressive. But they are always sure of what I mean and that’s a safe place to be. At least, I never lie.”

It is a few years since then and I happened to get into a similar conversation with my sister which got me thinking about it a little more. 

If we closely observe, about 50% of the subconscious mind of almost all people stays occupied with the thought of what others may think about them, their appearance, work, voice, the way they talk, walk, eat, drink and the list goes on. Amongst us there are a select few people who feel very approachable to all of us, or shall I say most of us. We like them and can walk up to them to talk anything, for a simple reason that they are unbiased and carry a different kind of peace with them. So why can’t we all be that way? Does it really take much to be openly truthful and honest? Isn’t it nice to express what you feel with fearing about being judged? 

Somewhere, in today’s world we do not trust people easily. We aren’t sure if they really mean what they say and to what extent can we rely on them. Now, here some may argue that we are becoming more independent but that’s not exactly independence. It is some kind of loneliness that has started making it’s own space in our minds and most of us have started liking it in a fear of betrayal that may (or may not) occur. But still we meet people, make friends fall in love, party hard, travel with friends and family; and all of it feels right. Despite this a fact remains that we may not be able to (literally) blindly trust anyone and I call it social paranoia. 

I don’t like it, nor do I want people to. Someday I hope we shall have a tribe of all totally unbiased & crisply honest people who can be trusted with life. People who would feel like a peaceful home in the middle of chaos. People who would be like a cup of hot black coffee on a cold morning or a warm cup of oolong tea on a breezy summer afternoon. People who can hold your hand palm-to-palm and share their energies to create larger bliss.

Farq

Iss sheher mein ek farq dekha hai maine,

Apnepan aur paraayon ke beech.

Saturday night aur sunday ki dopeher ke beech;

Ek aam din pe BKC mein chai ki tapri aur weekend pe railway station ke chai wale ke beech...

Iss sheher mein farq dekha hai maine.

Jab kareeb se jaan ne ki koshish ki,

Toh ek khoya khoya sa mann aur usmein bhara dard dekha hai,

Iss sheher mein janab, maine ek farq dekha hai.

Kahan toh bachpan mein sab dost saath khelte the,

Aur cheekh cheekh kar sara mohalla sar pe utha  lete the.

Kahan ab guzar jate hain sabhi ek sophisticated si smile dekar,

Aur apne aap ko ek dusre ka childhood buddy kehkar khush ho lete hain.

Kahan toh woh pehli baarish mein,

Apne gharon se nikal kar chhatt par daud jate the,

Aur kahan ab sabhi ko inhi boondon se bachkar,

Ghar se gaadiyon ki orr bhagte dekha hai.

Iss sheher mein farq dekha hai maine.

Apne logon, makano aur sadkon mein hi nahi,

Par dil ki masoom si khwashishon mein aur unse bane khwabon mein farq dekha hai.

I Fail To Understand

I actually fail to understand the human mindset over several topics. One of them is most recent to me.

So I am a woman in my mid-30s and have a usually busy work-life. I discovered an ideal time to go for a walk and that happened to be around 9.30pm pm to 11.00pm, after which I would come home and sleep off for yet another busy day ahead.

Now, a friendly elderly person told me this was 'bad idea because 'I am unmarried...single...and walking at that hour...so the so-called society/samaj is going to judge me (my character) based on this'. 

REALLY?????????????????

The samaj doesn't mind when I go to a pub with my friends/colleagues and come home at 1am. But they mind if I want to go for a walk at 9.30pm and sit in the Kali Mata temple to rest, before I get home. 

I fail to understand what this so called samaj comprises of and what exactly do they want to derive by such petty mindedness. Is it full of people who can't see others happy? Or is it just the jealous people who feel bad when others do what they couldn't do in their lives?

In the year 2019...about to be 2020 in a matter of days, are will still so sick? 

Why does anyone have to be surprised if I'm single? 

Yes I am, but I'm not ready to mingle (like someone commented). 

Yes I am single, but I'm not sad that I haven't found the right partner in life. 

Yes I'm single and I absolutely DO NOT need people to advise me on how to get hooked, nor tell me ways to impress that annoying samaj, which means nothing at all.

God is in dire need...

Yes indeed, God is in dire need...
Of people truthful and kind,
Of angels reliable and fine,
Of souls that spread happiness undying...
Yes indeed, God is in dire need.

Never understood how and why is life planned such. From where does this life come and where does it really go? How someone who is happy, healthy, loving and wise leaves the planet so soon and how the crooked souls survive? What or who should be held responsible - the air that's not like before or the roads that are far more rocky?; the saddened hearts or mounting stress?; the lack of peace or the minds in pieces.....

How does everyone become brave enough to pack a pair of clothes for a friend's funeral? How do people burry their still born children? How does a young aunt see her nephew for the first time in a coffin? How on Earth do people burn them without whom they wouldn't even eat a meal?

But above all, how would you explain to yourself, the passing away of someone who was yet to live their life fully?

It seems, surely God is in dire need...

Labz-e-zindagi

Ek zamana tha, bohot aayiash the hum.
Kuchh nahi tha magar khaas the hum.

Apne hi ilaqe ke, chhote mote se
Fakiron se sahi par sartaaj the hum.

Umr badti gayi aur tajurbe bhi,
Jab sab haasil hua toh naaraz the hum.

Shikan mathe par jo nayi khurafaaton ki thi,
Ab silvatein pareshaaniyon ki ban gayi.

Jab unchayion se dekhne lage saare Jahan ko,
Toh Dil se tanha aur nasaaz the hum.

When Jerry jumped on me!

Well yes, one fateful night while fast asleep I had an uninvited guest in my room – Mr. Jerry (that rat from the Tom & Jerry fame); who didn’t quite like the way I slept so chose to jump right on my head and wake me up in horror. Up I sprang from my bed! shaken and shouting; and within seconds I was hugging my mom with half my belongings carried somehow. Like a child, or may be worse, I’m too scared of rats and a few other creepy crawlies who I don’t mention as the mere name of it brings disgust. For several days to come I had my very own refugee camp in the drawing room…

There are times in life when reality hits you just like Jerry did – sudden, unexpected and scary. But it brings two benefits along – 1) reminds you of who is your go-to person – your basic support system; and 2) your abilities to overcome the event. In this case, while Jerry (coz’ calling it mouse makes me feel creepy) scared me crazily, I knew who to run to at that hour and what to do next. I was forced to wake up and create a makeshift within minutes because I was too sleepy. The next few days went in discovering the possible entry points of Jerry until I finally found a neat little hole in the window net.

Ever thought of what scares you? What is it that makes your spine chill? And who is that one person (at least one) whom you can openly ask for help and in front of whom you can display your fear fearlessly. Sounds funny but think of it and you would agree that displaying your fear or weakness to someone needs sheer courage. It needs guts to say that I am scared or I need help.

In today’s world the levels of stress have increased exponentially not just because of high levels of work pressures, targets & deadlines, competition, etc; but also because we have fed our egos bit too much. We refuse to accept defeat, we refuse to agree upon a point that our competitor made – even though deep within our minds we may know it is right, we can’t admit fear as it may make us look weaker and we absolutely cannot ask for help. My question is – Why?

To pull up an example for you, one of my dear friends (just as one lawyer may call the other when contesting in the court of law) has been facing some trouble at work and in life which made the person build too much stress in their mind. (Calling that one as ‘SS’ - just a name I gave for the purpose of this blog). May be SS could have talked their heart out and said openly what’s bothering them. May be SS could have asked for help if needed, may be admit that while they tried their best, their mindset or point of views could be totally wrong…No, that didn’t happen and as the case is, it won’t happen even in future. This causes SS’ life to be very stressful and seemingly unfair too. To hide this weakness, SS fakes a lot of happiness and is always on the go in life. And it is due to this very build-up of an unreal environment around their mind, SS may shortly begin and continue their downward spiral in life, making it more and more fake.

What would it really cost to admit that I am scared of Jerry? Ans: Nothing.

In fact I would have everyone around me warning me if I walk into a place where Jerry may be spotted. Would it be so harmful for me to admit my fears, accept my drawbacks and ask for help? Will I not get people who love me and care for me come along and sail me though it? Stress would actually reduce many folds in this world if all started being their original and open self and stopped faking their bravery, smartness and glory at a cost of their inner peace.

People say I’m non-diplomatic and that I don’t mince words. Yes that’s what I am. If I love something I don’t shy away from admitting it and if I fear or hate something, I’d still be expressive about it. Believe me; this Jerry is a smart guy. He doesn’t just come along to simply chill with you. He comes, teaches you a thing or two and runs away, leaving you to ponder over several aspects in life.

I really wish people overcome negative emotions such as faking enthusiasm while constantly cribbing about unreal stuff day-in and day-out, being jealous, feeling that life is unfair only to them, etc. Mankind created these tribes and civilizations not for such negative emotions but to come together and help one another cope with things and create belonging. It is only this feeling of brotherhood that will keep peace on this planet Earth – save those relationships before it’s not too late and make peace more within your soul than outside.

Don't get out of your comfort zone

Growing inside of your comfort zone
Strange?...

People say; “just outside of your comfort zone is where tremendous opportunities and growth lie” and I say “NO!” Growth actually lies deep within you and a lot of it can come from your comfort zone. Sounds nice for the lazy ones right? Well not really, because to actually make that effort to explore the growth opportunities that lie within one’s comfort zone requires much more scrutiny, learning and understanding of every aspect of life as well as individual abilities.

If I were to ask you what are your hobbies, I surely would get several stereotype replies like reading, writing, photography, cooking, etc. and several of them would have nothing to do with your day-to-day lives…for that matter, they may not even form any significant part of your weekend. Hmmm, but then what do you really do simply liking them, if in reality you did nothing about it?

My mom always told me (and she still does), that ‘if you like something, then learn it and do something about it. Simply saying that you like a particular thing makes no real sense.” So as a kid, she got me into a habit of sitting down and learning all that I would say, I really liked. In my growing years, I did not quite realise the difference it was making in my life until I started comparing myself to several others as a grown up. Well honestly, one fine day you suddenly do not start comparing yourself with others. It’s kind of a process that gradually happens in your life. So in one such instance, when interacting with one of the random acquaintances, I got into a dialogue on ‘likes and dislikes’ and ‘hobbies’. The gentleman said he likes to grow flowering plants. So I was excited and said, “me too” and gave him a list of plants that I liked and the seasonal plants that I like growing and the reason behind their flowering seasons and so on. I also showed him pictures of my terrace garden and as expected he was happy and excited too. A while later he said he loves good food and we ended up talking about recipes and different taste patterns found across countries and so on. During which I told him about my food blog and interests in food photography and experimental recipes. He was mighty impressed with me and said ‘wow’. Later in the conversation we spoke about a lot of stuff right from my job as an equity analyst to my being a professional photographer to being a blogger, a trekker, a writer, a speaker, a car enthusiast, and so on. And the gentleman was speechless…not that I intended that to happen, nor that I’m trying to boost about it. What he asked me was, “how was it that I knew so many things and could do them well? What provoked me into doing so much?” My answer was that my mom told me to learn all that I liked and I ended up liking so many things in this beautiful world that my learning was and has never been enough. The process is still on.

What grew with all this was nothing but a vast gamut of opportunities. When I earned a bit less as an analyst, I also earned from photography. As I grew in life as well as knowledge to some extent, I wrote media articles, cover stories for magazines, blogs, and so on. With my developing interest and some efficient management of time, I could do a lot more and even earned from it…earned not just money but a lot of contacts, relationships, further knowledge and so on. But did I really go out of my way to do any of these? Did I ever stop being comfortable about it? The answer was ‘NO!’

I always continued doing exactly what I liked. I simply, pursued my hobbies a little better than several others and gained out of it. So, there I was doing so much more and meeting so many fantastic people like you, without actually having to compromise my comfort zone.

What I want to tell you is, that do not try to ruin your comfort for achieving anything. It only adds up to stress that ultimately keeps you away from enjoying your achievements to the fullest. Instead, do more about what you like already and flourish in it. Grow more in what makes you happy because that immense happiness inside of you will be damn contagious and will spread farther than what you may have been able to imagine. You will not just achieve a lot in life but also feel really relaxed, happy and cheerful about it and not be burdened by any kind of discomfort.

Growth is not about stepping out of your comfort zone. It’s about making the best out of your own interests and abilities while being absolutely comfortable and happy about it.

Life worth 5 paise

Believe me, today is just another day when a small section of society loses their life to something as random as a stamped on a railway bridge. Yes, it is that petty when we sit back and think but then what it cost was the life of ~22 people and over 30 others severely injured. As the news channel tell the tale of this mishap each one of us sitting in our air conditioned offices or homes, start to wonder how such a thing happened, who started running like that, what caused the chaos, why didn’t people keep calm, and so on. But, behind our backs those people standing in a stuffed environment for about 30 minutes lose patience and start pushing each other out of frustration and/or fear; and there it goes…one negative feeling to other and then to mass destruction that can never, on this planet Earth, be undone!

As always we start off with what’s the simplest thing to do…blame others and do nothing at all about improving ourselves. We will sit and blame those people who were ‘MAD’ to go pushing each other and end up losing their lives; we will blame those railway authorities ‘who can’t even manage a crowd in an over populated city like ours’; we will go blaming right to the top, including the re-development authorities to the municipal corporation to the railway minister also…it never really ends. But then again, tomorrow will be a new day and we will find all people using the same old infrastructure, exactly the same way they did today – pushing, pulling, running, etc; and we will be in our safe domains taking up another topic online on social-media and practically doing nothing about it…absolutely nothing. The lives lost will be forgotten and this event – this disastrous event – will be nothing more than a page in some records that would not be referred to again.

When I read the news on my mobile news app, I was shocked as to – how can this happen so badly; and then I honestly, moved on to my work, not realising how bad or worse or worst it was. That’s what we always do, on a daily basis. We react to absolutely any news for a few seconds and then move on. Being in an equity research profession, the only thing I react to with some serious feelings and dedicated time, is that of corporate rejigs, financial results, takeovers, mergers, and so on. Just then a friend sent me a few videos and pictures of this so called ‘stamped’ that caused so many unforeseen and cruel deaths. I…I fell speechless, not only because it was a big news, but also because it stirred me up deep within my heart and soul. You certainly don’t want to watch some 15-20 people piled up on one another of which most are dead with blood oozing out of almost everywhere. And to top it all, the one thing I really wonder and feel scared about is that people are more engrossed in taking pictures and videos rather than helping those trapped ones out of the mess.

I wish all of us could do something in life to change even 1% of this. May be we must become calmer in life to take rational decisions even in times of crisis. May be we need to become a bit more considerate about one another and those who are in dire need of help. May be we just need to stop blaming each other and start following rules with some discipline. Let us understand that some delay in reaching a location is far far better than causing such lethal aftermath. We need to deal with accidents like collapsing towers and bridges, with some patient understanding that may help cause least loss. We can try and not reach a level of wear-and-tear that such a thing happens at all.

May be we actually need to be more ‘humane’ than what ‘humans’ are today. Life is not really worth 5 paise. It is an invaluable asset and one owes a lot to several others around them in form of relationships, responsibilities, love, affection, sacrifices and devotion.

The Unthinkable Trouble

I saw a video long back in which several people were asked. “What is the most difficult job in the whole world?” While the answers ranged from doctors to teachers to engineers to astronauts, the real answer was that of a farmer. Yes! Farmer’ The crux of the matter was that if there was no food producing community doing their job so diligently, there would be no civilised life at all.

Similarly, if I were to ask you, “what is the gravest problem in the world?” The answer could again have a vast range right from troubled relationships to a bad job environment to lack of opportunity to illiteracy to several hazardous diseases and so the list would go on. But if I had to tell you that all of these can be resolved to a great extent by actually overcoming one simple tiny looking problem which is – “Self Pity”.

Across the globe, a majority of people have been deeply indulging in ‘self pity’ day-in and day-out without even realising the serious and long lasting impact it causes on their minds, resulting further into an added list of new troubles. Now if I had to explain to you how this so called ‘self pity’ works and how it slowly spreads into one’s mind and then into the surrounding and then the community, you would be surprised at its mass destruction. Here I take this random example of a ‘bad work environment’.

The chairman of a company, upset with a new problem at work, bashes up his manager and the manager in turn ruins the day for his assistant. This Mr. Assistant then catches up with friends over a drink and gets drunk telling them his sad story at work. He then goes home and messes up with his wife and kids and they in turn hate him for being this way. Now if you notice, all of this wasn’t really needed. All that was required to be done was solving of the little problems at work with some calmness and level-headed thinking. And this could have been done by absolutely anyone who chose to break this chain of downward spiral of self pity. Wouldn’t’ things be totally different if instead of asking, ”why me?” they had said “let me”.

If we can decide and get rid of the constant ‘self pity’ towards only one problem of our lives each day – no matter how tiny it may be; and start making positive changes to improve the situation therein, you will actually have solved 7 problems of yours over a weeks time. Incidentally, you will have solved an average of 25 problems in a month (considering you may ponder on the same problem for more than a day, at times) and this would result in solving about 300 problems in a year. Now, that’s a huge number. And if I have to really sit back and calculate or rather list down the number of problems that one has in his/her life, the count is certainly much lesser.

So all it would take is just a few months of a diligent effort to stop practicing ‘self pity’ and start solving a particular problem with the utmost positive attitude. This would not only make you a happier human being but also create a surrounding effect towards making a happy home, a happy locality, a happy corporation and so on. Problems aren't really as big as they are made to appear, if and only if one chooses to think rationally towards solving them rather than indulging in self pity.

Kya abhi bhi koi bhookha hai?

While this has lately become a very touchy topic, I couldn’t help talking about one of the biggest concerns I have. As a BFSI analyst, I have been answering ‘n’ number of queries coming from all sorts of people – fellow analysts, colleagues, family, friends, shopkeepers, journalists, and so on. While I am not really a “know it all” kinda person (no one really is, for that matter), in such times I am certainly expected to be one. I have so far tried being able to provide satisfying answers.

As the day dawned with everyone in the financial markets and other businesses as well betting big time on who would be the next US President, no one had really thought that one of the world’s biggest decisions would end up being a non-event by the end of the day, at least in India. And there it was; the game changing address of the Honourable Indian Prime Minister at 2000 hours, when he declared demonetisation of the Rs500 and Rs1,000 currency notes with effect from ‘0000 hours’ that night. A sudden panic struck each and every citizen – the rich & the poor; salaried & self-employed; students & teachers; the young & the old…all equally in every city, town and village. All sorts of questions sprang up – who, when, why, where, what and how. Several people got troubled and several sailed through somehow, very few complained and a majority were convinced and happy about the PM’s brave decision (including me).

After a few days, by the end of November 2016, the official data on total amount of money deposited in the banks, money put as charity in temples and hospitals and the cash deposits in the accounts opened under the ‘Jan Dhan Yojna (JDY)’ have actually left me with a serious worry. Is India also becoming a ‘money laundering hub’?

While a lot of people may differ from my opinions and condemn it to the core, I wish to remind myself that I live in the “Sovereign Socialist Democratic Secular Republic of India” and have an equal right to put forward what I feel, especially if it is in the best interest of out dear Nation.

Ever thought why did the PM launch the JDY at all? Well there are reportedly a lot of poor people in the rural and urban regions, who have so little money that they couldn’t open a normal bank account as they were unable to maintain any minimum balance therein. They live their lives on an ‘earn and eat’ model. But post the demonetisation ~Rs27,000 crore have been deposited into these JDY accounts, in less than a month’s time. So, where did all this money come from? Did the poor people actually keep so much cash at home to deal with their basic needs? The answer would probably be ‘No’. Similarly, why is it that the temples and hospitals which have always been getting donations and funding from few people (not that the money received earlier was any less), have started receiving so much cash that it has become difficult for them to handle the same? Is this not unusual? What made these people so humble, concerned about the unwell population and so devotional towards temple trusts…all of a sudden? Well the answer to this is probably – these options are any day better than throwing away your black money somewhere in to the sea. Not that it is any crazy example, some people actually did that. Weird? Yes it is. But, true as well.

The honourable PM has been talking to people in various cities and towns, addressing mass meetings, explaining the importance of this decision. At the same time, there are other political parties – not naming any in particular as there are many – who have been trying to fight against the discomfort caused by this transition. But apart from the basic discomfort of getting the currency exchanged and the temporary issues pertaining to the daily basic necessities such as laundry, grocery, milk, etc; nothing really seems to be largely affected by this decision. If you ask me, I have paid my bills online, shopped for medicines using old currency, paid the petrol bills by card, and so on. Even the small vendor from whom I purchase milk and grocery uses a smart phone and downloaded PayTM within days of the decision and until then gave credit to the regular customers. Nothing really halted in my life…anything at all. And to be honest, nothing halted in the lives of the household helpers that we deal with either, they could sail through with minimal discomfort (well, some aberrations from the normal day-to-day life were bound to be there after such a big leap).

So who were the people who really faced trouble then?

1) Those having loads of black money stacked at home (some closely known to me too), as they were left clueless as to how not to get caught and how to wade off as much trouble as possible and to park more money in a way that it is out of the view of the governmental hawks and can be recovered at any time in future; 2) Some senior citizens who were living alone and didn’t know how to go about the whole process and needed help; and finally 3) The so called ‘Elite Politicians’ who had kept aside huge sums of money to pay for their election campaign expenses. (I know some people who may feel like bombing me after reading this blog. However, they won’t coz they love me too much. I’m safe that way. Hehehe)

While the 2^nd category also somehow sailed through with the help of friends, relatives, neighbours and household helpers, the biggest problems were faced by the 1^st and the 3^rdcategories (rather they re still facing trouble, which is why there are several oppositions to the decision, debates and arguments). I don’t believe in the logic that one set of people are good and the other corrupt. Nor do I believe in any political party for that matter. If I were to talk about politics, I would have picked 10 great leaders across all parties. Sadly they work for different leaders. Had they been together and united, India would have changed, the way the world looks at this country, ages back. Not getting into those details here, this event has affected one and all.

With a gamut of actions and news floating on a daily basis, the silly side of people also has awakened, though sarcastically – saying the PM instead of removing poverty removed the riches. Well if I have to ask you, point blank. Who is poor? Now do you feel like shouting at me and say, ‘are you mad?’ or ‘just shut up if you don’t know a thing?’ Well, I do. So answer me, ‘who is poor?’ Are the people living on the foot-path poor? But then they do carry cash amounting to more than a few thousands (as what I have witnessed myself, not relying on any story). Are the traditional farmers poor? But they have seasonal short falls of funds and seasonal bouts of riches too. Are those people poor, to whom the great politicians keep promising “roti, kapda aur makaan’ for a trade against the votes that these people would cast in their favour? Believe me; this list can go on…

If you really ask me, I believe (and just to remind you all, this blog contains my personal views only…unbiased and crude) that the real poor are those villages who have schools but no teachers to teach, those so called ‘Naxalites’ who have the cash and a well occupied place to live; but not a single medical aid when they really need. Poor are those who think of sharing their wealth only when they are scared of all of it really going to the sea. Poor are NOT those who stay hungry but don’t complain, make an effort but lose, try to stand up but fall. And what we, the so called well-to-do people do, provide a charity lunch outside a temple and ask boldly, “kya abhi bhi koi bhookha hai?” Is that the only thing we can do in life? Can’t we ask ourselves some worthy questions and actually deal with the anomalies of this world? For how long will you believe that giving some amount to a charitable trust, taking a receipt in return for tax benefits and then sitting in a spa or enjoying derby would bring you peace? People have been fighting against the government’s actions and singing about other people’s troubles due to demonetisation to a level that doesn’t really do any good to the society or the world. Did we just try utilising the same resources for the smooth functioning of the same? The answer is NO. And my question is WHY?

Instead of asking “kya abhi bhi koi bhookha hai?” best is to turn hungry ourselves. Let us be hungry for growth, hungry for development – not just commercial but mental, emotional and spiritual. Let’s get hungry to really understand the people around us and help them sail through all their difficulties in life. We can’t provide solutions to each problem, but what best we can do is to stop creating them.

Empty Spaces

To beat my temporary phase of loneliness, I chose to travel a bit. Not too far off but in my own city #mumbai . And this time I didn't take my beloved car along, coz it would have taken me to places I knew or the ones I could find on Google maps. This time, I wanted to get lost somewhere and find myself back. It was meant to be a journey of self hunting, more than just overcoming that feeling of empty spaces. So I decided to take random local BEST buses and travel until the last stop, no matter how far, and then head back using a different route.

To my surprise, I saw the Mumbai that I hadn't witnessed in my life so far. While I've been living in this city by birth, it has appeared to be a strange location to me, at times. I even walked few distances and asked the locals for directions, though I knew my way most of the time. These conversations were meant to only strike a dialogue with them and know a bit about their locality. The hot sun didn't seem to bother me much coz the emotional turmoil was adequate to deal with anyway. What I found somewhere hidden deep within though, was an inherent feeling of loneliness in every one I happen to speak to. A chai wala was alone in Mumbai, his family in the village and was planning to go to meet them but couldn't. A florist who lightens up people's faces with those beautiful flowers each day, lives alone too. When I got into a conversation with my cabbie, I realised how these people, in an attempt to make more money, go to Dubai and come back for random issues; and what lies beneath the surface of a rash taxi driver is a neat disciplined driver with an international licence who came back coz his village folks tried to get his daughter married forcefully.

I just indulged into a conversation with a photographer who had an awesome collection of Kashmir pictures on instagram and I was dumb struck. While I chose not to discuss even a bit on the country's most disputed "Kashmir issue",  I couldn't escape the story of his brother who was killed in an attempt to search for a terrorist. However, his brother and the family were found innocent and given a clean chit later, the loss was inevitable and deep...very deep.

Surprisingly, this sinking feeling of being alone and wanting someone who would be there with you in all thick and thin, was mutual among all...just about every damn person I met or happened to talk to. And despite these empty spaces in the mind and lives, they were all smiles and living up as best as they could. Is the world so empty? Aren't we really together?  Does this loneliness go off with time or do we just get trained enough to deal with it, to a level where we ourselves do not realise how vast these empty spaces grow deep within our souls and end us thinking of life as a mess...a nuclear war that is fought each day...until perpetuity.

My questions remain unanswered and I return thoughtful. I need to head to the Himalayas again...don't find bliss anywhere else.

Sounds of the night

Somewhere in the skies, I've lost my sleep tonight. Honestly, I had an awesome plan to sleep early and wake up late and treat myself with a nice quality beauty sleep. But what I ended up with, is a sleepless night. Now I'm actually done trying all the possible things that could put me to sleep, such as - pray, meditate, read a book, play a boring game, count sheep and also pretend to be fast asleep...hehehe. Nothing seems to work, so what best I can do with this time is write about it.  

While I was struggling to fall asleep, I noticed that the nights that we usually term to be a very quite time of the 24 hour day, isn't really as much. As a kid, I used to happily imagine that the world turns upside down in the night and then straightens up again at dawn. As if the fan were on the floor and the tiles up on the ceiling. As if the bed was upside down and I was almost hanging in air...how did I not fall? Was I glued to the bed or is gravity also reversed when it's dark? So when I would wake up and ask mom about all this, she would give me a adequately convincing reply, "well, when I woke up early morning everything was indeed upside down and then all things started falling in place as the sun came up." Yeah, that made sense to me. But what I learn now at an age in my early 30s, is that my imagination as a kid wasn't all that wrong. Surprised? Me too.  

The night isn't really quiet. It's full of sounds that we don't hear but exist. There are things that change their place and/or position from what it was when we kept them there. For example, a plastic bag that we may have placed on a table, sometime in the night moves a bit to the side and if there's some wind, the bag might just fall on the floor. A book kept on the table alongside the bed may move a bit to the edge or even fall off...may be because you ending up pushing it unknowingly. At 3.30 am, the magnetic clip of my bag, that I may have left open, pulls itself to close with a self generated click sound. A truck loaded with 'God knows what', passes through a road that's some 500 meters from my home, and I still manage to hear it pass, along with a mild vibration that it generates on the road due to its weight. How and why do we term the night as quite? Is it because when we sleep, we actually switch off from all the sounds? If so, then how can we claim to have anything in the name of a subconscious mind? Or is it that we are just so used to pretending that all the things we say and believe are the final truth on this planet.  

Nights aren't quiet. They are rather noisier than the days. We do feel peaceful, calm and quite in the day when there is no major sound/noise around us. But if you are awake in the night, you would lose count of the kinds of sounds you end up hearing. I feel its the same when you sit quietly for a while. You suddenly start hearing so much that your mind takes some time to process the overload of information. You not just hear a lot that's been happening around you but you also come to terms with your mind and end up in an in depth discussion with yourself. What seemed quite, suddenly becomes noisy. So may be when you stop hearing some sensible stuff when awake, you must stay up in the night and listen something important.  

Now this night need not be the time between sunset and sunrise. It is more of the darker days in your life when you do not understand much of what's happening with you in the day and when you do have an opportunity to keep quiet and introspect, you sleep off. But how would you introspect and get to hear the sounds of the night if you keep talking all the time? For once you have to just shut up and hear what's happening in and around you. Try to understand that if it's become so mundane, when and how it begun? Think about the possible reasons that led to this dull day and gloomy night and get some solutions which would give you that much desired peace again.

It is only when you try and listen to the sounds of the night, that you would understand how things went upside down when you ignorantly slept off. How you put fingers into your ears to not listen to what could have been a life changing sound? Can we not put it in practice to keep quite for a while and introspect, at regular intervals? May be it changes the way life is, or at least our perspective. And may be it just makes us happier than ever before,

Game of Dice

Life is after all a game of dice. At times it makes you crawl ahead slowly and steadily. Then suddenly, comes a big move and leads you to a ladder that would take you 10 steps ahead in the game. Hop skip and jump. You more than happily take that leap, not really knowing what lies ahead. And then just as you take two more steps ahead instead of one or may be three, a long, fat and green snake appears waiting to eat you up and drag you right down 30 chances backward. What would you call it? A problematic life, because a snake ate you up and put you 30 spaces backward? Or would you call it an exciting game of ladders and snakes because you saw how it feels to climb a ladder and get swallowed by a snake as well? Or would you term it as that one never ending adventure that generates an adrenaline rush in your body, mind and soul with a new twist each day.

A few days back I thought of writing about ‘fear’, because I was evaluating the different kinds of fears that can influence a person’s behavior, belief, morale, life and so on. Have you ever thought so much negative magic this thing called ‘fear’ contains? It has the power to turn the most able person in to a real dud and can make a hiker step back just 5 steps before reaching the summit. Its magical. Though not in a good way, it indeed is some kind of magic. But then what is this ‘fear’ thingy? A fear of losing something or someone, fear of dying, fear of not achieving something, fear of being laughed at, fear of falling and not being able to stand up again… The list is endless. But when I thought about it a bit deeper, I realized that it’s not about fear. It’s once again a game containing several chances. You win some and you lose some. Some steps take you ahead and some bring you back to where you started it all from. Just like a game of dice.

One of my favourite authors, in his book, has beautifully explained how one loses all the gold he has and then comes back bankrupt to realize that he wasn’t really so, because of what he was made to save. He has also described how we all go running around the world in search of all that we desire. We live our entire life for hunting that unseen treasure which we so fondly long to possess, just to find out at the end of our life that it exists nowhere else, but in the backyard of our own house. Such is life. All like a game of dice which you keep playing until the end and then realize that you finally ended exactly where you started. But in the process you lose a lot and gain a lot as well. What you gain depends purely on your ability to accept the changes that occur in the process and the teachings that you receive and absorb on the way. What you lose, similarly, depends on your awareness about yourself, the surroundings, and your ability to understand what is good and what is bad, your opinions about each person, place and happening.

Life actually depends on how you roll the dice and how well you play the game. It has got nothing to do with the snakes and ladders because the game doesn’t really change for anyone. It’s the same for all and always. What differs is perception and perspective.

Is anyone home?

As I opened the door of the house and stepped inside, I found it to be surprisingly empty. Pin drop silence and no light. My heart skipped a beat as a set of thoughts started rushing through my mind. I called out, “is anyone home?” No reply. I got a bit nervous and called out again, “mumma!” No reply; again. So I decided not to take off the shoes and just rushed in to check throughout the house. From a distance, I could see my father sitting in the balcony with his headphones on, listening to music. He hadn’t heard me coming in. As I walked ahead, I saw my sister’s bag lying on the small table near the door and she was quietly reading a book in another corner of the house. She didn’t hear me either as she was too engrossed in reading the book (something she calls as her best friend). By now I was confirmed of things being fine and went back to the door to take off my shoes, after which I headed for the kitchen where I was expecting my mom to be. She was cooking something that had a hunger quenching fragrance which brought an instant smile on my face. I sniffed like a dog and rushed towards her with all smiles and said, “mumma…what are you making? I’m suddenly dying of hunger…it’s smelling so damn good”. She just didn’t react to all that I said and didn’t even look at me. Didn’t she hear me? Is she lost in some thoughts? Is she angry with me? Did I do anything wrong? A thousand questions rushed past my mind and my heart sank. I repeated calling her out and she just didn’t react…as if I simply didn’t exist at all. I just turned back and saw one of my most beautiful pictures, put up on the wall…I suddenly felt awesome…and turned to mom and asked, “hey is this the surprise? Is this why you were pretending as if not talking to me?” But even this time she didn’t react. Something suddenly caught my sight and my heart stopped beating completely. I put my hand on my chest to check for my heartbeat, but it was missing. I ran outside to my sister and called her out. She didn’t hear. I then hit her and she didn’t notice that either. Ideally she would have asked me to get lost when I disturb her while she’s reading a book. I started running towards dad and stopped mid-way. I couldn’t even have the strength and courage to even walk a step further, let alone running. This time I took some really heavy and slow steps towards that picture on the wall and re-checked what I had seen. A small incense stick burning slowly with its fume rising above through my picture on the wall. Apparently, I actually didn’t exist. I dropped down on my knees and cried the loudest in my life…I wanted to hug my mom so badly and tell her that I love her most on this planet. I wanted to tease my sister and run away so that she runs behind me to hit me back. I wanted to hear my father shout at us saying, “are you both still toddlers to make so much noise?” But; I did not exist anymore and that explained the silence that my ever noisy house was drowned in.

I woke up with a jolt, so strong that as I opened my eyes I found myself almost ready to stand up. I ran to the tiny temple in my in my house to say, “Thank God, I’m alive”. Mom was up already and making tea in the kitchen. As I went closer, she hugged me and greeted good morning. I hugged her, as if I would never leave and cried. I told her what I dreamt and she laughed it off saying you are mad, nothing has happened to you and nothing would. I felt so good to have this assurance from mom, as if life ever came with any certainty. But, what the dream taught me was far more precious than life itself. May be in the wake of being busy and struggling to achieve whatever came to my mind, I was compromising on things that were closest to my heart. I wanted to tease my sister and annoy her, irritate mom and then console her saying that she is the best, annoy dad just to make him laugh later and so on.

Life is too short, I had read. But honestly, I never realised how short could it be until I opened my eyes after that dreadful dream. There will never be time enough to spend with our loved ones. Also, we don’t really know how much time we actually have to fit in our wishes, aspirations, creative pursuits, etc. Then why just get stuck in a daily grind of eat-sleep-work. What if I plan my trek to the Mount Everest and die the night prior to taking a flight to Nepal? What if I call my mom saying I’m busy and will be late, and meet with an accident on the way to not reach at all? What if I write a book dreaming about standing on the dais to talk about and die just before the formal publishing press meet. Strange, isn’t it? I don’t wanna ask that dreaded question (is anyone home?) in my life and for that to happen I live to the fullest, love to the fullest and do all that makes me feel happy and alive. So that, one day when I actually have an incense stick in front of my picture, I can gracefully walk up to it and smile. I want to be satisfied when I cease to exist in the material form on Earth.

This Love Hate Relationship

In continuation of “City of Blinding Lights”

The first time I wrote about Mumbai (long ago), was when I had just started working, gotten in to the groove of a work-life balance (not really was I able to balance, though). Life, in those days, was a lot different than what it is today. Lesser means, lesser facilities, very very less pay, unbranded clothes and locally bought sandles, yet so much happiness, ample ‘me time’, some kinda undisturbed mental peace (which at that time I was under impression that ‘its missing’ hahaha). Today I have all those things that I used to dream about back then and had imagined about how happy all that would make me feel. But the peace has somehow disappeared. I wish I had known how beautiful life was then and how tough it gets with each step you take towards achieving your aspirations.

Of all the things existing in this city, what I loved more…rather most; was the weird kinda change of behavior and the crazy 24x7 rush that people experience here. Now, you may call me funny or foolish, but yes flamboyant things have never attracted me much. What really pulls me closer is the need to understand something that I don’t really understand. My cravings for that extra bit of ‘life lessons’ (which I strongly believe can be learnt only in practical sense, no book or human can preach or teach), have, by now, gotten me into deep shit several times. But, that’s how I am and that’s exactly why I’ve always loved this city so unconditionally – it offers all. So at this juncture in life, if I can call myself an achiever of an award or a certified mountaineer (something I’m more proud about than my profession) or being a reasonable photographer or a fairly good cook or someone who writes more than she reads, is all somehow, somewhere and to some extent thanks to this vast gamut of things offered by this city (someone reading this right now certainly would be laughing at me and saying ‘this girl is just so biased for a city like this’. But, it’s more of sarcasm than anything else).

In several places that I’ve travelled, I’ve witnessed such peace in the mind of the locals despite all odds that the location may have to face, so much empathy, such affection towards one another and such a simple-no frills kinda life. May be that’s the reason why these folks when they come over to a city like Mumbai, feel suffocated, cluttered, restless, tensed, and all such emotions that one can think of. The glam and galore doesn’t impress anyone beyond a few days – it just fades off as life’s realities kick in. For me, though, I feel this has been one of the most instrumental aspects of the place I live in, as it has prepared me for the worst, so I can now have the best of what the rest of the world may offer (restricting me to the better places on Earth and not the heartless cruel lands that may exist).

Such amazing relationships are built here. A friend who would give you a warm hug in front of others and say ‘don’t worry I’m there with you in your odds’, would after few hours be found bitching about you to some other ‘so called’ friend of yours. A close relative who may claim to love you unconditionally and console you when you cry gallons after an accident, would be soon telling others that you are a maniac and would have killed people around, portraying you as one of the most insane beings they came across on this planet. Someone who you look forward to spend life with may emerge as one who treated you nothing more than an instrument. Parents don’t know what their kid may be going through. Kids are unaware of their parents’ plans and intentions; they all hardly talk once a week or so. Siblings get to talk only over the phone or on chat because they are all busy in their respective lives. Friends…well there is a different set of them for each purpose – morning walk friends for constant inspiration to walk, office friends for gossiping, friends at the club for a game you play, trekking friends who will meet only on a trek and not even know if you are dead or alive otherwise, and so on. Such is life in the middle of this glamorous piece of land. There is emptiness all around. I call it the “crowded emptiness”.

How do I say whether I love or hate this City? What I love is the beautiful sunrise at the Bandra fort, the nicely cooked chai at a local tea stall, egg-roast and appam with filter coffee at a small joint called Sneha, the nice evening walk at the beach, and so on. As I grew up, there were several times when I just wanted to escape from the noise all around, so would go the Kali Mata temple in Shivaji Park with either a book or my ipod (no phones at all!) and just sit there for hours reading or listening to music. At times, I would go to the nearby crossword store and pick up a kids book to read, though a bit funny, but it’s one of the best stress busters to read kiddy stuff. I also loved singing nursery rhymes until I discovered the hidden agendas and meanings behind several of my favourite rhymes. I’m a story teller at heart and so love hearing them too. Place a kid in front of me and I can tell stories until that kid get tired of hearing them, I’ve read a lot of these…too many, I should say. I love driving around the city. Yes driving; despite the super crazy traffic situation. A nice drive at the Bandra-Worli sea-link after office is pure bliss and so is the early morning drive to the Colaba and Nariman Point.

In the nut-shell, what I like doing is, spending time absolutely alone, because I know for sure, that I will stand by me in all even and odds. It is this Love Hate Relationship that I dwell with. But I need peace now. I want to live and not just survive and sail through.