How many times in life do we really get to know
ourselves deeply? We are social animals and meet several new people in our
daily life. It is said that on an average, even an introvert interacts with at
least one unknown person daily. In this complex and highly social world, we
easily forget to meet ourselves, not realizing the importance for it. Not
willingly, but I met myself very closely one day and almost refused to
recognize this inner being.
It was end of April 2016, a cold day with harsh
winds blowing in the upper Khumbu region of the Himalayas. I woke up tired and unwilling to go anywhere because
the past few days’ fatigue from trekking had made my legs sore. However, we had
targeted reaching the Everest Base Camp in 7 days. So, we begun, though half-heartedly.
As we begun ascending, the pain increased with every
15-20 meters. Not much elevation was achieved by noon and I needed to speed-up
to reach the next halt by end of day. I walked alone for long as my team, guide
and porter were far ahead. The route for Everest Base Camp from Lukla is rather
simple, with only 2 diversions on the way. If you are aware of those, one can
easily walk alone in the region harmlessly. I decided to take my time and pace
it out slow. The silence of the Himalayas is rather too loud and I could hear
my soul screaming of pain – physical as well as mental. I fell on my knees not
wanting to go anywhere and cried. Never had I found myself so demotivated and
ready to give-up all that was achieved thus far. I dragged myself to a nearby
village and decided to halt there. My legs were in excruciating pain.
That night, I was shaken not because of the
pain that I couldn’t tolerate but because I didn’t recognize the part of me who
would give-up. Usually, I am stubborn and would sail through anything on the
back of my unmatched determination. But that day, I had succumbed to the perils
and lost all courage to get back up. I spent the evening dipping my legs in
warm salt water and sipping on some khukri (a local rum in Nepal), to keep me
as warm as it could. The temperature outside was about minus 3 degrees Celsius,
something I hadn’t dealt with earlier. To add to that, the home stays along the
entire Khumbu region do not have heaters. So, you are expected to make peace with
the cold.
Next morning, when I woke up, the house keeper,
a middle-aged native lady dressed in a large yak wool cloak, served me a cup of
steaming Himalayan lemon tea with some boiled eggs and sat by my side holding
my hand. She said ‘this game isn’t about physical strength but emotional
strength that gets you through the toughest terrain.’ Tears rolled down my eyes
because I realized that my defeat last evening was not about the pain but I
surrendered mentally. That wasn’t the real me. Couldn’t have been. I finished
my tea, took a few deep breaths and assured myself of never giving-up because
pain comes only to make us stronger. It is a difficult exam, once passed you do
not have to reappear. I started my onward journey that day with much more
determination. The pain had started to fade away gradually, mostly because my
muscles and tissues were becoming numb from the cold. There’s only so much you
can feel, beyond which there is blissful numbness.
On my remaining journey to the Everest Base Camp, I fell sick once again, much worse than this pain in the legs and was bed-ridden for a day, forced to stay lied down in the sun room so that the heat from the metal roof getting baked in the sun could heal me. But I walked the next day alone to catch up with fellow trekkers and that journey made me fall in love with walking solo. I met myself and loved this human so much. I loved the vulnerabilities and strength it derived from each situation. For the first time, I fell in love with myself, truly.
